My dictionary

 

A buddy at Random House gave me this dictionary.

Which is weird 'cause rival Houghton-Mifflin is the publisher.

 

It was a gag gift.

 

Tucked just inside the cover is the Official Memo sent to any prospective buyer for the first edition.

 

 "The school edition of the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language does not include the following words or their definitions ... "

 

It then lists 60 then-used slang and swear words for curses, sex acts and parts of the body.

 

All the F words.

All the C words.

The S word.

 

All the nouns and verbs of puberty.

The rich vocabulary of gym and recess.

 The slurs and sex-isms of every schoolyard.

 

The weird word you had to guess about for a decade.

A curse so foul your teen self tried to memorize it.

Unusual activites only seen on cable.

 

You get these words decades after you needed them?

 

Every kid should have been handed the memo, the 60 words, and screw the damn dictionary. 

In grade school, I once told my grandmother to "Eff off."

I had no idea what it meant.

Postscript: In the AmHeritage dictionary, one of the first to use photographs, next to the entry for "beetles" are photos of a beetle and The Beatles.