Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Is it only Wednesday?

We are in the slow, dark heart of the longest week in the media year.

For newspapers, endless Top 10s and piffle.

Loot the files, scalp the archives.

More copy! More lists!

2005's Most Exciting Breakups.

The Top 10 Celebrity Sadsacks.

The Year's Cutest/Oddest/Scariest Trends.

The Top 10 Dog Fashions.

The 10 Most Fascinating Scanner Calls, as prepared by the police desk.

Who's IN and who's OUT and do you even know their names?

Pray for the pathetic lugnuts who drew the short straw and must prepare this material and fill the box until readers come back.

I was one once.

Yet I feel their pain.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Moosemas

My moose pal and I are staying in the woods this weekend, being un-naturally wary of hunters, leg-hold traps and airports.

There will be plenty of rum and no relative will dance The Alley Cat.

In short, the best Xmas possible.

May you have one too.

Come on! Try!

Granny's nuts

Everybody comes to granny's house for Christmas.

Granny follows the sound of children's laughter and hurries to their playroom.

"Who'd like some nuts?" the dear old woman chuckles.

Greedy children fight for the treats, devouring every nut in the bowl. She brings them a second serving. "Eat up!" she chirps. "I have lots!"

Granny goes to the den, when family guys are drinking beer and trading b.s. It is a blue zone of belches and farts.

"Anyone for nuts?" Granny asks? She has another bowl! "I'll just leave them here on the table, lads."

Gorilla hands grab for nuts, fill their fists.

Granny goes to the kitchen, where lady relatives cluster.

"Can I offer you girls some nuts?" Granny asks, pulling a huge sack of nuts out of the cupboard and filling yet another bowl. Soon it's empty too.

She refills nut bowls all afternoon, urging kids and adults to eat up. A daughter-in-law sees her yanking another sack from the cupboard.

"Aren't you having any nuts yourself, Gran?" she asks.

"Oh no dear," Granny says. "You know I can't have nuts! I have such terrible gums. And no teeth!"

"Then why do you buy so many?"

Granny smiles sweetly: "I just love the chocolate around them."

Waiting for a train

The Christmas Gloves

Okay, okay.

You knew it was gonna show up here.

It took weeks for the guy to find his girlfriend's perfect Christmas gift.

They'd only dated a few months. He wanted romantic, but nothing cold, creepy or too personal.

He decides on a pair of gloves. Ladylike. Old-fashioned.

He enlists his girlfriend's younger sister to select them at Holt Renfrew. The sister is so delighted by the store, she buys a pair of lace panties for herself.

The salesclerk mixes up the boxes. That's why the guy's girlfriend opens a box of panties on Christmas morning and reads the following hand-written note...

"I chose these because I notice you never wear any when we go out. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen longer ones with buttons. But she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the saleslady showed me a pair she'd been wearing for three weeks and they were barely soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

"I wish I was there to help put them on you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away. They will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Will you wear them for me New Years Eve?

"P.S... The saleslady says the latest style is to wear them folded down, with a little fur showing."

She fled town on Boxing Day.

Santa's village?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Santa after six beer

Primate news

Are there actually humans desperate to drop $20 on King Kong? The mega-monkey's opening day box office take is judged to be--uhm--disappointing.

I pray this is an omen for TV next week.

Can the ratings for Howie Mandell's Deal/No Deal be less than a dozen?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

O Come All Ye Wallets...

Johnny Big Screen

Two days ago, a buddy and I go into an electronics store.

One of us buys a big screen TV.

This is startling, considering both of us are sober.

We solve that, but only after one of us buys the set. It is a long afternoon.

I find a note from buddy in today's morning e-mail.

"So how do you like Giant TV?" he asks. "Have you slept in the last 36 hours?"

I have replied as follows:

"I am Johnny Big Screen, leader of men.

With my half dozen zappers, I control the universe.

Programmers and satellite geeks tremble before my fingertips.

My life has changed.

I walk the streets as TV cowboy, bow-legged.

Where once there was scorn, there is now only envy.

RIDE programs wave me through.

I have lost 11 pounds in little more than a day.

Women have flashed me four times since I was last in your driveway.

I am impervious to bullets and Ontario winds.

My new god? The S-video cable.

In short, life is good.

I would tell you how good, but you would only (a) weep, then (b) beg stores take three or four grand off you, no change required.

Johnny Big Screen is making a list of new friends.

Big Screen Pals worthy of his budship.

With any luck, you may be on it."