Johnny Big Screen

Two days ago, a buddy and I go into an electronics store.

One of us buys a big screen TV.

This is startling, considering both of us are sober.

We solve that, but only after one of us buys the set. It is a long afternoon.

I find a note from buddy in today's morning e-mail.

"So how do you like Giant TV?" he asks. "Have you slept in the last 36 hours?"

I have replied as follows:

"I am Johnny Big Screen, leader of men.

With my half dozen zappers, I control the universe.

Programmers and satellite geeks tremble before my fingertips.

My life has changed.

I walk the streets as TV cowboy, bow-legged.

Where once there was scorn, there is now only envy.

RIDE programs wave me through.

I have lost 11 pounds in little more than a day.

Women have flashed me four times since I was last in your driveway.

I am impervious to bullets and Ontario winds.

My new god? The S-video cable.

In short, life is good.

I would tell you how good, but you would only (a) weep, then (b) beg stores take three or four grand off you, no change required.

Johnny Big Screen is making a list of new friends.

Big Screen Pals worthy of his budship.

With any luck, you may be on it."