Two days ago, a buddy and I go into an electronics store.
One of us buys a big screen TV.
This is startling, considering both of us are sober.
We solve that, but only after one of us buys the set. It is a long afternoon.
I find a note from buddy in today's morning e-mail.
"So how do you like Giant TV?" he asks. "Have you slept in the last 36 hours?"
I have replied as follows:
"I am Johnny Big Screen, leader of men.
With my half dozen zappers, I control the universe.
Programmers and satellite geeks tremble before my fingertips.
My life has changed.
I walk the streets as TV cowboy, bow-legged.
Where once there was scorn, there is now only envy.
RIDE programs wave me through.
I have lost 11 pounds in little more than a day.
Women have flashed me four times since I was last in your driveway.
I am impervious to bullets and Ontario winds.
My new god? The S-video cable.
In short, life is good.
I would tell you how good, but you would only (a) weep, then (b) beg stores take three or four grand off you, no change required.
Johnny Big Screen is making a list of new friends.
Big Screen Pals worthy of his budship.
With any luck, you may be on it."