There she is! Miss America 2024!

Like many, I thought Covid killed the Miss America contest.

But no, I only wished/dreamed/feared this. 

There it was, a night ago--abandoned by networks, stripped of its one-time slew of cosmetic and appliance sponsors--lumbering away in Orlando. Now just a YouTube thang.

I was shocked by the--uhm--maturity of the contestants, since younger pageant wannabees  apparently catfight to be Miss Teen America.

What use is Miss America if matronly Paris Hilton and the Kardashians now open malls,  clubs and bless product launches?

Do they still pretend Miss America is about scholarships? These women are ready to be Fox TV anchor-babes. Tuff and long in the tooth.

(In the interest of gender equality, a woman pal of mine believes no male Fox TV hosts need ever be replaced, because they are reptiles.)

Did I watch all two hours of this so you don't have to? Hell no! But I did make it thru the big opening dance number (crazy wobbly on heels) and the hilarious-but-mandatory Roll Call of the States.

"From the rice and dust capital of the world, I'm Miss Arkansas ... "

"From the state where oysters are plenty, we're turning pressure into pearls, I am Miss Connecticut ... "

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, from the state that eats more than 21 million gallons of ice cream each year, I'm Miss Wisconsin ... "

By the 18 minute mark, 51 contestants have been whittled off screen to 11. Go home, girls.

Beloved host Bert Parks is long dead, but will the insane There She Is, Miss America song still ring out at the crowning?

Oh, I so hope so!

That's 'cause it's one of my three party pieces.

There she is, Miss America ...

She may turn out to be-e-e

The Queen ... of fem-i-nin-i-ty!

Give me enough scotch and I can also do ...

. Be My Luff ... Just as Mario Lanza sang it in movies: "Be my luff an trill my dreams mit kissies burning... no udder luff can effer quell da flame..."

. The Nightmare Song from Iolanthe ... "When you're lying awake with a dismal headache and repose is taboo'd by anxieties ... "

Please! Hold your applause.

If you read all this, skip the national anthem and start above at 02.20 for the Opening Strut, sample the Roll Call at 07.35 and the big crowning 02.35.00 ...

Miss Colorado wins a creepy red lace housecoat and roses.

But no Miss America song!

Bert Parks spins in his grave.

Only we ancient few can keep the song alive.

Pass its precious lyric to the next generation.

It's like a Lord of the Rings movie.

Keepers of the ancient flames.

Gandalf. Yoda. Me. You too.

Sing it Bert.

Clip: Miss America 2024 - YouTube  ( 02.38.00 )

Clip: Bert Parks sings Miss America theme  ( 01.38) 

Song:  Bernie Wayne (written in 1955 for the pageant)