Body count

 

This year, in the U.S., there's a mass murder every 18 hours.

 

Herb's garden

 

 

Maybe she's got a grow-op?

Rattles in the night

 

 

--Michael Moir / http://damnfineprints.ca

"I really must find something to wear!"

 

_

 

JUBILEE!

Thoughts, prayers and .... silence

 

The biggest newsrooms in Texas — including the Dallas Morning News, Austin American Statesman, Houston Chronicle, Texas Tribune, and some TV stations — observed 21 minutes of silence at noon today, one minute for each victim, across all social media platforms.

                                            --CNN

 That'll help.

 

 

Out for a spin

 

Cobblestones, dunf?

 

Music casts long shadows

Ronnie Hawkins, Kris Kristofferson, 

Gordon Lightfoot, Willie Nelson 

                     --via John Cosway

Baby love

 

 

 

Barry Blitt is on a roll.

One of his sketches for the newest New Yorker.

 

newyorker.com

 

 

Have a banana

 

_

 

Comedy, people!

 

Zooks!

 

 

Amazon's new driverless vehicle, the Zooks.

 

I say Gad!

You say Zooks. 

 

Let's see this thing in two inches of snow.

 

JUNE BRIDEZILLAS: She wants a hay urinal

 

_

 

Weddings on trampolines.

Wedding Crocs for the bride.

It's time for June bridezillas

to unveil their newest ideas.

 

There's a website devoted to this weirdness.

That's it I'm wedding shaming site documents some strange wedding plans. 

It's here.

 

 

Even more groom frighteners are here.

 

Peter Piper picked a peck of pretty penis plants

 

And don't walk barefoot....

 

Okay, enough about you ...

 

Ronnie Hawkins ( 1935 - 2022 )

 

 

 

It's Madge week

"A Jubilee, you say? For me?"

 

Buzz me, brother

 

Folks, folks, folks

 

                        "What? Me worry?" 

                               

THE ENDTIMES: My bank sucks

 

 

 

My bank has sent me a cute e-survey about their online services. 

 

"How likely would you be to recommend us

to friends and family?" they ask, with

10 little boxes to consider.

 

They wanted a 10 out of 10.

 

I gave them a seven.

 

They included a box asking "How can we improve our online services?"

 

My answer:

 

Put a branded ATM back in every community you screwed in your we're-closing-your-local-branch crusade.

 

Those towns supported you for decades.

 

They thought you were their friend.

 

You fucked them.

 

Your customers now drive up to 70 kms 

to reach a person to solve screw-ups, try to buy

houses or cars, or deposit a foreign cheque.

At least give those towns you abandoned

an ATM to access their own money

without paying a rival bank machine four bucks. 

I think of you every time

I use a rival ATM closer to me.

 

Imagine the road rage as I drive 45 minutes to deposit a U.S. residual.

 

Yeah, I hold a grudge.

 

I shoulda given you a three.

 

And that closer ATM just up the road?

I now use that rival bank for some stuff.

Never did.

 

Customers don't have a "my" bank anymore.

They have websites and use rival banks.

That's how you're doin'. 

Online banking has homogenized your brand.

 

Online is a multi-click maze when it works.

All banks have it.

I give yours a shrug.

 

Bell Internet was out for two days this week.

Don't get me started on THEM ...

 

Word of the Day: Sluttons

_

Sluttons ...

Definition: Cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Coiffed, Gucci'd and bitchy. Preen'd, Prada'd, potty mouthed.

Women who meet to throw insults, wine and food at each other.

Derivation:  Jordan Julian, Daily Beast 2022

Use: That slutton is so pinot grigio.

Clip: Promo tease (1.49) Bravo TV

She's kinda quiet, he's kinda dumb

 

Their hands in thoughts and prayers

 

E-mail from a pal

 

 

To:  pagesixdunford@gmail.com

From:  yourpal@gmail.com

 

It used to be "going postal."

Now it's "shoot up a school."

 

Sent from my iPhone 

 

                                             *   *   *

Gary Dunford

 

To: yourpal

 

The latest Texas massacre, compounded by the Keystone Cops response is quite off the charts.

Unfortunately, the charts show more shoot-up-a-space events this year than all of last, and it's only May.

The number of unhappy, confused, entitled, armed incels is apparently limitless.

There is a very disturbed, polarized, armed nation to the south of us, apparently interested only in seeing the new Top Gun movie or watching one of the Kardashians' freakish tushies.

But don't get me started.

It's warm and buggy here today.

I've just collected two old crosscut saws I'd donated to the local museum--which is going out of business because the township won't shingle the roof.

All the donated artifacts are going back to the basements and garages they came from, because the current council would rather build gazebos and boat launches for tourists.

Jesus weeps.

Is The Past doomed to live on a Facebook page nobody reads?

At a platform that will die in our lifetime?

Oh well. Another Kardashian just wiggled her butt.

Have a lovely day!

luv, dunf

Gary Dunford

Print is dangerous

 

Just take a little off the tail

 

_

 

Looking for your new summer do for Tinder?

 

Easy breezy.

 

Avoid dogs.

 

Does your dog text?

 

Election snooze

 

_

 

I wonder how many other Ontarians 

are thinking of parking their vote

with the Greens?

 

*   *   *

 

I discover what 3P means in politics.

 

It describes politicians who are 

"Populist, Polarizing and Post-truth."

 

"After popular success as loudmouths, 

not taken seriously 

by the the establishment, 

they attract a passionate minority and suddenly, often by the electoral system or parliamentary management, they're in power.

"Their apparent clownishness disguises their potency."

Are they talking about Doug Ford?

The quote is from a New Yorker book review 

about dictators and leadership yahoos.

 

"What, me worry?"

What's the secret of the Caramilk bar?

 

 

It didn't make the cut.

Dumpster bait

 

Dino might

 

This is not a bee

 

_

Artist Thomas Deininger creates beautiful sculptures of bees and fish using plastic waste that may drive these creatures to extinction.

 

--co.design 

Special Delivery

Is it the perfect crime?

Or just a cartoon murder? 

(7 mins)

New math

 

Marco! Polo! Help!

 

Derringer disappears

 

_

 

Q-107's Derringer morning show is off the air.

Corus Entertainment put the crew "on hiatus" after Jennifer Valentyne's Twitter about Q's toxic workplace went public on social media. (Item here a day ago).

A chorus of radio folks--including former Q-107  morning crew women--quickly voiced support online, citing their own negative experiences.

Corus claims in a statement it has hired an independent attorney to "investigate" John Derringer's morning show workplace, despite being aware of iffy behavior for years.

 

 Valentyne claims station managers and the Corus CEO were well aware of her situation.

She's filed a human rights complaint detailing alleged instances of abuse, gender bias and misconduct.

 

In a performative statement, Corus says it has hired an outside investigator to examine ethics and conduct at the show and station.

Corus scrubbed all traces of Derringer in the Morning from its website yesterday.

 
A pity, since I suspect investigator Rachel Turnpenney from Turnpenney Milne LLP might like to sample the most recent Derringer podcast displayed on the show's website til hours ago.

 

The Derringer crew begins episode 80 with a few minutes of cock jokes. The podcasts are morning show "highlights" packages with new wraparounds.

Animals in morning zoos? Who knew?

Apparently everybody.

Is vaping permitted in all 39 of

Corus's radio station studios?

Or just Q-107?

And how severe--in a galaxy of on-air egos and conflicting ambitions--does "being a jerk" rank?

CBC News has an informative take on Derringer's disappearance here.

 

No shit, Sherlock

 

We're meatloaf people

 

_

--newyorker.com newsletter 

 

LOST SONGS: Putin, Randy Newman

_

"Here’s a video dedicated to a great world leader. I hope all of you like it. I know he will."

                  —Randy Newman

"Putin puttin' his pants on

One leg at a time

He's just like a regular fella

He ain't nuthin' like a regular fella ..."

Do it yourself

 

Rest room landscaping

 

Is it a rash or Monkey Pox?

 

The doctor will see you now.

Bring a banana. 

 

Think tiny thoughts

 

HOME DECOR: Taxidermy Lamps

 

Its tiny eyes follow you across the room ...

 

Not Much Music either

 

Hella honey