The new zoo?

They stay out in the rain.

They don't hide from visitors.

They never need food or vets.

You never have to return them.

Lego pandas.

Just toast them a little

The coolest thing about writing a daily column for a big city newspaper--okay, boomer--was that nobody talked to me about what was in tomorrow's column, or today's, or yesterday's.

For years, running on a hamster wheel, I had no time to be anything but grateful. Let me run. Type on, fool.

I thought of myself as the golden goose. Don't mess with the eggs. Plop! Another golden morning. Good Goosey.

But now, in my dotage, I realize the root of this benevolence.

No editor, copy desk toughie or manager ever wanted to answer "Yes" if asked: Did you know about this Page Six thing?

The answer had to be "Of course not. He's nuts. Nobody knows what he's doing. He's worse than Rimstead."

I guess Page Six amused The King.

Who The King was seemed a mystery.

But any gatekeepeer who might have said "Hey Dunf, what BS is running tomorrow in your endless slagheap?" knew they were definitely not The King.

I didn't know who The King was either.

That was the beauty part.

I was always self-editing to please The King.

Be careful. Be funny.

Only Weeniegate prompted a crisis. 
And such a small one.

Page Six had an item about a weenie roast, in which the tagline was a hope that nobody burned their weenie.

"It has to be weiner," a guy who was Not The King instructed.

"But when you cook hot dogs at a campfire, isn't it a weenie roast?" asked the Page Six typist, twin to the sad little man who hid behind the Wizard of Oz.

"You can't say burned their weenie."

"Who says weiner roast?" I asked.

"A weiner is a hot dog, Dunf. A weenie is the other thing."

"No, a weenie is both of them. That's the joke."

"It has to be weiner if it's hot dogs."

"But no kid calls them weiners."

"Weenies is not going in the paper. It's offensive."

I should have snarked: "What about Lubor Zink?"
I'm glad I didn't. Maybe The King liked him too.

The result: a two line item about a weiner roast, in which for no apparent reason, we hope nobody burns one. Whatever.

This was way before the Internet, boys and girls.

Long before revenge blogs, infinite clickable research and powerful fantasies.

So I submit the following to The King.

Google search ...

. Weeny is an adjective meaning tiny.

. Weenie is a frankfurter, or a man's penis, or a weak and socially inept person.

. Weiner is a frankfurter, or a man's penis, or a weak and socially inept person.

. Weener has only one meaning, a boy's penis.

So changing my weenie to weiner was just as smutty.

And a waste of all our time, My King!

Off with that meddler's head.

Vengeance is mine.

Plop!

A good goose just can't stop.

Coming soon: What to do with a pail full of mice

Small world

"If you wash your hands too much, look what happens"

Nope, nobody knows nuthin'

z
Takeaways:
. Nobody knows nuthin'
. Trump knows nobody knows nuthin'
. Obama knew everything.

what's next

Indeed

Or just levitate

You can't un-see this

 Condo kisses and alien dreams....

Meet the creepy insect man

Newly installed at Redpath condos

Story at

https://www.blogto.com/arts/2020/06/creepy-alien-sculptures-have-toronto/

 

Ask her a question

                                                Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

How does Trump's press secretary spew bile and bumpf 

so quickly? Check out Kayleigh McEnany's crib sheet. 

 It includes the following tabs: ABSURD, BLM, BALLOT, CASES, CDC, CHINA, COVID, EARLY, ECON, ELECTION, FLYNN, GOLF, GOYA, HATCH, HATE, HEALTH, HOGAN, KARL, LGBT, LIES, MARY, MASKS, MEDIA, MUELLER, OBAMA, PPE, PRIVIL, REOPEN, RUSSIA, SCHEDUL, SCHOOL, STATUES, STONE, SYSTEM, UNIVER, WINS. 

"There are a few other tabs too, that aren't quite readable," CNN's Brian Stelter posts,"though one appears to say FAUCI. Another seems to say TEST."

meth mask

Tim Hamilton/New Yorker

Cereal of the stars

Good for the gut.
Or whatever.

FLASHBACK: When Toronto was music city

Joey DeFrancesco (Organ), Guido Basso (Flugelhorn), 
Vito Rezza (Drums), Lorne Lofsky (Guitar)

Once upon a time, not that long ago,
many of the best and busiest session musicians 
in the world called Toronto home.

So much radio, TV, commercial, club work, 
you can't even count the guys' gigs.

Here's a flashback to that time, one I revisit 
almost monthly. Four celebrated players plunked at 
Phase One Studios. Picking the tunes they'll jam.
Once. No do-overs. Recorded in one take.
For a CD and DVD called One Take. I own both.

My Romance is at the heart of any musical songbook. 
But this goes well beyond any expectation....

Eleven minutes circa 2004, the day it was recorded.
Historic heart ... toss a pebble into our polluted pond.

Jeez, Guido.
Jeez.

Cool tweets

It's 7/11. Sad.

The Hamilton POLKA?

z

Weird Al Yankovic riffs Hamilton, the musical, as a polka.

And what does creator Lin-Manuel Miranda make of it?

 https://youtu.be/G8kIQ9i1bfY 

Now you don't need to give Disney a penny.

                              My fave new T-shirt

If you go down to a Paris pub today ...

 

you'd better not go alone

lake moon

 

Evan Croskery‎

Drunken bears terrorize Paris

Demanding rum tea with honey & croissants

Drinking with The Inflatables

Three celebrated bars have been Toronto Sun hangouts, 
after the Little Paper first moved to 333 King Street East. 
In sequence....
Hoofer's, a block away with Lurch in the basement cave.
Then came Crooks, a little to the west, ring-mastered by  cop-turned-barbud and True Blues Bro Richard Kruk.
And last to host daily crews of Sun newshounds, party animals and high-functioning drinkers, Betty's.
The last pub still exists.
A pal sends a link to a story on it.
Betty's is suddenly full of balloon people.
I fear for the Dominion.

Story at
https://www.blogto.com/eat_drink/2020/07/toronto-pub-blow-up-dolls-tables/?fbclid=IwAR3U1bCsbZoOdJy1IVnB52HyjO_qbyecTNwQC-dYVPknvNdYmuEYRJfqwWo

"Not the 5th, not the 3rd it’s the 4th. Not a lot of people know that”

Happy hats

Terry Potockin/Nordair's Facebook page

Canada Day

In the lake.
By myself.
Skinny dipping.
Waiting for the 5.30pm duck parade.
Thinking about what seems to be the lost summer.
But it's the first day of July.
How can the summer be lost?
Masks. Covid. Empty cottages.
Even the loons seem listening for ... what?
But a long time ago ...
... I wrote this ...

===========================

Canada Day

Canada is eating toy food at 30,000 feet and looking down on the most amazing herringbone of blacks and whites that turn out to be the Rocky Mountains.

Canada is coming home from Kensington Market with a vegetable that looks like a carrot, smells like a melon, feels like a banana but may be a potato.   The lady next door knows how to cook it.  You give her half.

Canada's lying on your stomach on a raft and watching shy fish circle below, safely hiding in your shadow.

Canada is slogging down a narrow, snow-clogged street in Quebec City, to watch a midnight traffic jam of ice floes in the St. Lawrence.

Canada's sitting on the shore of Newfoundland's Grand Lake, sucking at a bottle of Star while a pal balances a bottle of Moosehead on his forehead.   Laughter tickles the stubby pines.

Canada is paddling three hard days only to discover two other tents are already pitched at your "secret" place.  Windlocked, you'll meet the strangers you meet there again each summer for the next 20 years.

Canada is Muskol.  A hell of a lot of Muskol.

Canada is patching the hole in the tent and killing the last mosquito at 5.23 a.m. to finally fall asleep. The sun rises at 5.33.

Canada is climbing a tree with two friends in August and waiting two long hours to drop a balloon filled with water on your best pal.

Canada is a sharp green stick with one brown hot dog on it. The first frank falls in the fire but the second is perfect.

Canada is an amazing red trillium in a hillside army of white ones. Sprawl in the foot-high flowers and it takes them 15 minutes to find you.

Canada is poring over your priceless pile of 44 maps of lakes and portages in front of a roaring fire in January and never thinking about a black fly.

Canada is a metal mug of coffee too hot to hold, on a misty morning that's too cold to be there.

Canada is standing on the deck of the last B.C. ferry of the night, watching the water slide by.  From somewhere deep inside the ship, a door closes. Or opens. Stars wink at their twins in the sea. Time stops.

Canada is meeting a bear at the rural garbage dump. You consider each other thoughtfully for long moments. The bear has other things to do.

Canada is dogs wading in lakes, sitting in shallow water to cool their bums.

Canada's the lightning storm that scares you witless.

Canada is whipping into a beach on one water ski to land at the exact edge of the sand ... just ... so. Keep your stomach sucked in: those girls are watching.

Canada is one perfect fiddlehead green.  So small, so fixed in your mind as a fragile growing thing, you dare not pick it.

Canada is discovering the dog has eaten all the marshmallows. The marshmallows are already upchucked in your sleeping bag.

Canada is unpacking Christmas lights in a chilly attic.

Canada is watching the field mouse run up to, then over your girlfriend's sleeping bag and never telling her when she wakes up.

Canada is one ear of yellow corn, a plate of butter and a napkin. You feel yellow a long time after.

Canada is sitting in a privy, hoping porkies don't come for another 10 minutes.  Swallows have torn the toilet paper into confetti, no piece big enough to hold.

Canada is a deep lake, a sloping rock, a warm sun and a perfect curve of time.  Afternoons arch to the blue horizon.

Canada is a brown envelope from Revenue Canada. And the modest boat you christen ... REBATE.

Canada is whitecaps on the lake, transparent smoke spirals above winter chimneys, the speckled rocks at the bottom of a clear, glassy stream.

Canada is a big secret.

Shared.

It's almost Canada Day. Where are our Cheez-its?

Johnny Mandel 1926-2020

Johnny Mandel, the composer-arranger for albums by Sinatra, Streisand and Michael Jackson was 94.
His unique musicianship--title themes for M.A.S.H. and The Sandpiper--won five Grammys. 
He loved jazz chords and woodwinds.
Players love his stuff.
The opening above is a classic.

Every bear's fave

I Wanna Be A Lifeguard by Blotto

Who doesn't wanna be a lifeguard?


Hardly any clothes
Sand between my toes
White stuff on my nose 
I want an ocean
And some sunscreen lotion....
I wanna be a lifeguard
Help! Help! Help!

So Blotto's playing the El Mocambo.

Tom Williams calls.

Have a Sun reader contest, he sez.

Page Six up on the ElMo's famous palm tree marquee?

Page Six presents Blotto!

Tom said I'd love the band.

His Attic Records label had all Blotto's hits.

We'd have many drinks, Tom promised.

I'd introduce Sarge and da boys.

Then have more drinks.

Blotto played Lifeguard that night.

It was their MTV hit.

More drinks.

My head hurt so bad from Heineken.

Here is The Best Song of Any Summer.

Me listen. Then me go surf.

Tom is always right.

More moves than Allied Van Lines?

Yes.

Blotto: Surf's up

    "Call me if there's a problem.... "

"How many years will we cram into one"

z

Ben Folds is writing new songs in Melbourne.

This, from a day ago. 

For your mental health

 

 What did penguins do during the covid lockdown?

Jonny Auping supplies a fun list to the New Yorker.

"One penguin took a picture of a bunch of other penguins not
social-distancing and posted it online."

20 more things penguins did at

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/more-activities-that-penguins-have-been-permitted-during-lockdown

 

Innocent question

Is the guy who keeps repeating "Kung Flu" aware that twice this week, cable news guests have called him Fat Nixon, and Fat Elvis?

Who farted?

 

Great moments in CanCon

The modern whoopee cushion was invented in the 1920s by the JEM Rubber Co. of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, by employees who were experimenting with scrap sheets of rubber. 

Experimenting, eh?

Safer for sure than matches and blue flame ... 

"It's too long to be Macaque..."

If... 'it's too long to be macaque' 
made you laugh, click play.
Web zoomaster zefrank1
has never been punnier.

Three states abutting Florida have set up
border controls to discourage Gator State-r travel.
Gators must become hermits for 14 days.
New York & Connecticut to Florida: Don't Come.
Swamp refugees are not welcome.
Went to a gator refuge once on vacation.
They kept to themselves.
They don't need us.
Later, gators. 

Are You Having Fun Yet? 

This is the summer of No Fun.

Send cheese.

I'm starving.

Less work for the future

As John Bolton hippity-skips along his  sell-my-book steeplechase, opinion is divided.
Best case: he was a guardrail who saw too much
Worst case: by "saving" his Trump secrets for the book, he betrayed The Oath and the republic

But I look on the bright side:
There will be no monument of him for future
WTF crowds to tear down.

 

Down where it's cool and dark

Roz Chast is the New Yorker's most prolific cartoonist:
Over 800 cartoons in the magazine over 40 years.

Get a daily mailing of cartoons and laughs to any e-box,  just sign up
at
https://www.newyorker.com/humor

I am the lyrebird. I will shoot you.

Are you one of the EIGHT MILLION
humans who've seen this minute?

Note to self: first a flamingo and now this?
Call doctor or Nurse Jane Fuzzywuzzy.
Covid Alienation Syndrome.

He's such a pretty bird ...

He's back! 

Madawaska River flamingo

Combermere bridge 

Bent Anchor Beach Bar

Your baby beaver moment of Zen

Damn cute.
Also, dam cute.

This is definitely not about Oz ....

"Why then oh why can't I ..."

"Me and my band been workin' up some new toonz..."

Why does water rush out to sea?

Breaking News: Toilets are flushing

We're basically just sleepy

Netflix e-mails I really have to see their new movie.

It cost millions.
We know what you watch.
We know what you'd like.
Take a look.

And even tho I lost 10 years of my life, slumped slack-jawed last week thru Netflix's  The Wrong Missy, I am an easy mark. That Missy flick is more powerful than Melatonin.

So Netflix flickers to life on my tube.
The hyped movie starts.
The black screen opens to a dark, ominous voice: 
dude's running late 'cause the gas container his hand fills on screen had to be diesel.
"It burns slower."

CUT  TO  
screaming man in bathtub, being generously spritzed with diesel.

Now here is today's quiz.
Do you instantly
(a) leap out of chair, bruising knee in process
(b) yell so loud the dog runs for his hideyhole
(c) curse Slasher, who lives behind couch
(d) rush to electrical box and kill MAIN power
(e) look for the rest of the rum
(f) think: why did that guy get torched?
Take your time. I didn't.

Netflix? Algorithm? Do you really know me?
I know I watched two Jason Stathams last week, 
but Sweet Jesus! 
Have a heart.

Innocent question

Z

Justin Trudeau has now offered two pregnant pauses when asked about Trump's actions and the US civil rights protests.

He responds, after dramatic effect, with generalized comparable concern about Canada.

He repeatedly includes the word "racialization" in his answers.


Is "racialization" the issue-neutral word privileged pale people newly use to dodge more specific questions?

Racialization is ... the act or process of imbuing a person with a consciousness of race distinctions ... or of giving a racial character to something

So this would be a good word for ...

. Whites who think non-whites don't know they're not white?

. The rainbow who think whites don't know they're white?

. Aliens ... who think we're all just ants.

If there isn't a focus group in Trudeau's pocket, who brain-doodle that this foggy word-use keeps him out of trouble,  
I am an ant.

moon night

Bunker boy

z

Living on Cheetohs and canned bile?

Slow weekend

So it's not a hoax???

Fake!
 I did NOT refuse his handshake!
  My General or whoever he is came up to me and said, 'Sir, look how small my hand is compared to yours!
You have Very Big Hands, Sir."

Happy.

Forget "Invisible Enemy"

Remember Invisible Enemy?

Invisible means you can't see it.

Nobody knows virus around.

Invisible.

A lot of people don't know what invisible means.

Nobody knew that.

People are telling me they smell smoke.

Was there a fire?

Is something wrong?

Thank you.

Northern Scavengers light up Youtube

If you have heart, guts or dreams, watch this epic 638-kms wilderness trip across rivers, lakes, waterfalls and woods to the wild Labrador coast.

As tipped here mid-winter, the Canuck  outdoorsmen posted half-hour video diaries of their adventure on youtube these last 13 weeks.

The last episode went up tonight.

The videography is beyond belief.

The music track is dead on.

The scenery is unbelievable.

Read the comments: "This is the best thing on youtube." "This should be on Netflix." 

If you wonder why we live in this cold, harsh, sweet, tough, bug-tormented land, here's the answer.

And the guys? You will be buds.
The Northern Scavengers are Noah Booth, Alex Trainor, Chris Giard and Dave Greene.

What they've accomplished here will lift, break and warm your heart.

If you're tempted by the opening moments above, you'll find 

Episode 1 at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKtHECyJBPA 

and then in order, another dozen episodes to

Episode 13 at
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUIt1BUrLCk

Website: https://www.northernscavenger.com/home

There's never a virus in the bubbles.....

Tweetstorm coming

Must admit to a strong and satisfying bit of Schadenfreude at the
cancelled Space X launch at 4.33pm today.... 

Trump, Pence, their families, staff, cabinet members, all flown in and waiting in Florida for the Joyous Moment--and the prepared Trump Victory Statement to follow. The speech was scheduled.
But nada.

And the forecast predicts a 70% rain for the next launch window, Saturday at 3.22pm....

Sure hate to be on Air Force One flying back.

I see darkness....

Many per capitas

z
The Daily Beast profiles Sarah Cooper
at...
https://www.thedailybeast.com/tik-tok-comedian-sarah-cooper-might-be-the-best-trump-impressionist-of-all-time?ref=home 

Ben Folds, upside-down in Oz

(Tune at 18.30)
 
Ben Folds is alive and well in Australia.

He was caught mid-tour in Sydney, nine weeks ago by the you-know-what virus.

But every Saturday night since, he tosses an hour of tunes up to the youtube universe.

I confess to fanboy status.

Who else is so prolific, quirky and talented, now for more than 20 years?

Above, see him destroy a piano at NPR with one of his hits. Yes, One Angry Dwarf...

September '75 I was 47 inches high
Mom said someday I would have
A bad ass mother G.I. Joe
For your little minds to blow
I still got beat up after class

Now I'm big and important
One angry dwarf
And 200 solemn faces
Are you
If you want to see me
Check your papers and your T.V.
Look who's tellin' who what to do
Kiss my ass good-bye...

To see Folds' concert from last night, check

https://youtu.be/HjUhw_33wAk?t=105 

What pandemic?

We need this.

Yes, some strip to nekkid.

Shake your butt...

And he can fly

"I tested positively toward negative, right?
So no, I tested perfectly this morning.
Meaning, I tested negative.
But that's a way of saying it:
Positively toward the negative."
 --Trump, mask-less at a factory today

So in the yin/yang circle symbol, is yin the white one? 
Or the black one?
Yang only knows.

Would you like your ears eaten?

The running of the bullshit....

https://www.newyorker.com/cartoons/blitts-kvetchbook/dont-tread-on-me

Barry Blitt's New Yorker cartoons are inspired

No more falling-down drunk!

It's a ride!

It's a stroller!

It's nearly like the lake!

 Bar bumper-tables!

“If you come in to get a pound of shrimp and a beer, you can stand in one of these and walk around and look at things and talk to people,” Harman said. He said the reception to the bumper tables was positive when his family and friends took them out for a trial run outside his restaurant Saturday. (Maryland restaurant, with new social distancing bumpers)

The Dog's Breakfast Grand Final

Andrew Cotter discovers  new pandemic sports to report on ....

Google is a verb, and so is .... zoom

Zoom was founded in 2011, by Eric S. Yuan, a Chinese-born engineer who is the company's CEO. It has been on the market since 2013.
In 2017, Zoom's valuation reached $1 billion.
In April 2019--when it went public--it hit $16 billion.

Hello? Is this thing working? 
Can you see me?
Tap F4 and scream....
That's good.
Cancel the Zoom tag day.

End of the world? Are you having fun yet?

z
End of the world?
Where are the zombies?
Jonathan Pie is the housebound TV reporter who might be Brit actor Tom Walker.

"Is there a way we can do something like that?"

On any person who desires such queer prizes, New York will bestow the gift of loneliness and the gift of privacy.
  --E.B. White, 1948
  from New Yorker, April 13, 2020

Is this what some call solitude? 

David Remnick: pandemic souvenirs

"These next weeks and months will be demanding in ways that are hard to fathom. 
If New Yorkers are in hiding, the virus has shown a knack for seeking.
But with time, life will return to the city....
The doors will open and we will leave our homes. We will meet again. We will greet our friends, face to face...
Children will attend class with their teachers.
Sidewalks and stores and theaters will fill.
Remnants of the crisis--a box of nitrile gloves, a bag of makeshift masks, containers of drying Clorox wipes--will be tucked away, out of sight and out of mind.
We'll forget a lot about our city's suspended life.
But we will remember what, and who, we lost.
We'll remember the time squandered.
And we will remember the sound of seven o'clock."
  --David Remnick, editor
     New Yorker

These last two months, the New Yorker has never seemed so connected. Dozens of contributors have filled the magazine with gulp-making content, dispatches from a distant war front. If you've missed Remnick's weekly journal of our most ridiculous times, this would be a fine time to start.

www.newyorker.com 
 
 

And now, a musical interlude...

z

The new tune this week is an old one.

Nelson Faria and Cainã Cavalcante play
Toninho Horta's classic, Francisca.



Clip from Faria's youtube show, 

UM CAFÉ LÁ EM CASA

 Terrific half hours with Brazil's best musicians.

Three tunes in each show.

Shot in Portugese, but about a third of the shows

have both English and Portugese captioning.

Essential viewing for jazzfans and mpb buffs.

See Brazil's master melodiers with killer sound.

Three men and a stretch....

Yeah, I have seen Tiger King.

One question: The blond Tiger God has had two husbands and both say they're straight?

I'm dim, but that's a heavy lift.

Self note: e-mail Dan Savage.
 

David Spade's "Shrimps Cocktail"

z

Comedians are losing their minds.

Will there ever be another club or concert?

Give a comic a GoPro and lockdown, and
the results can seem like amateur hour.

But David Spade riffs above on ghosts, 
shrimps cocktails and hair to good effect.

See?

Things are getting better .... 

PS. Spade joke. "Did you see that monkey on a motorcycle try to steal a baby? But it was just a shoot for a movie. Mission Chimpossible."
Rimshot

Spade's The Wrong Missy debuts next Wednesday (May 13) on Netflix.

Behind the spin

THE LONG VIEW … FORMER AUSTRALIAN PM KEVIN RUDD in FOREIGN AFFAIRS: “[D]espite the best efforts of ideological warriors in Beijing and Washington, the uncomfortable truth is that China and the United States are both likely to emerge from this crisis significantly diminished. Neither a new Pax Sinica nor a renewed Pax Americana will rise from the ruins. Rather, both powers will be weakened, at home and abroad.

“And the result will be a continued slow but steady drift toward international anarchy across everything from international security to trade to pandemic management. With nobody directing traffic, various forms of rampant nationalism are taking the place of order and cooperation. The chaotic nature of national and global responses to the pandemic thus stands as a warning of what could come on an even broader scale.”

Graduation Day

z

These last six Mondays, John Krasinski has offered Some Good News on youtube.com

In #6 above, he springs his best. 

Graduation...

Oprah, Steven Spielberg, Jon Stewart, and Malala ... and these kids ... on their launchpad.

Over 1.7 million people have watched ... 
in just two days.
Impressive.
Touching.
Inspiring.

FULL SHOW AT
https://youtu.be/IweS2CPSnbI

Keep your distance for now, eh?

z
Feeling down?
Open wide.
Swallow this.

The end of selfies?

So is this the end of selfies?
Can I have a picture?
Don't think so, dogbreath.
Step away.
Even a selfie stick won't help.
The gods are angry.
Celebrity prayers have been answered.
Get solo, Instagram.
Back off, paparazzi.
This zone? MY zone.

Man & Dog

z
Are you and the dog sitting by the door, wanting OUT?
Let's take a walk ... 

Wizards don't always wear hats...

Happy talk

Demons are prowling everywhere

Nowadays
I'll send 'em howling I don't care
I've got ways ...

Demons'll charm you with a smile

For a while

But in time
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around

   -- Stephen Sondheim, Sweeney Todd

So I read two cats test positive for corona virus.

I know cats don't cause corona19.

It was something that Trump told me.

"People are telling me," Trump said, "that cats--you know, cats?--can you believe what I'm telling you? Cats have covid. Did you see that? Isn't that right, Tony? Deb? Nobody knew, dunf. I always suspected. But that's just me. I'm not a veterinarian. Nobody in the world but me could know this cat fact. Could be true, might not. I'm just saying, you know? I hear that sleepy guy in his basement may have cats. Cats could have already killed that poor loser. Nobody in the world saw this fur thing coming. Nobody! Right? A cat killing a human? A man who runs against me for President? Maybe his cat injected him with bleach. Who knew? Bleach. Could be a good idea. Maybe not. We're checking, right Tony? But I acted early. I told Melania: No cats, darling. Are you listening? Where are you going? Baron? I'm talking to you--but that's not important, dunf. Hear me now, dummy. Cats. Virus. Hydroxychloroquine. Corona. I knew a guy with a cat, dunf. You know what? He's DEAD! Probably corona!
Did you hear about sunlight? Warm. Good. 
What do you have to lose? Think about it. 
People call me. Boris called. Justin too. Did I just say Justin? Maybe. You want to ask Tony? He's not here. Thank you very much."