It's pretty awesome that breakdancing is a new sport at the 2024 Olympics.
Can't wait for the medal presentations.
Upside down medals. Spins.
Way kewl.
Other sports up for consideration?
Doom scrolling.
Social distancing.
Zooming.
Wednesday, December 09, 2020
CHRISTMAS SHOPPER: Car & Truck Waffle Maker
Make breakfast fun again!
Scoot cars and truck waffles around in sweet maple syrup.
Thank God you're alive to see this.
Butter the bus.
Also: Dinosaur Waffle Maker
Tuesday, December 08, 2020
R.I.P. katalogen
Goodbye, catalog.
Can't say I was a fan.
A decade ago, I needed a couch.
On my only trip ever to IKEA, looking for an "Ooop-land"--spelled uppland--I was directed to look back with the soderhamns (sectionals). Cute.
On the store map, the mobel (furniture)
was a six-hour journey in the endless warehouse.
I bought my sofa at Leon's.
Sorry.
Didn't catalog customers look up the sota namn (cute names) of stuff before they came to a IKEA?
They're screwed.
Galna svenskar.
(Crazy swedes.)
Uppland = a sofa model
Soderhamns = a sectional sofa model
Mobel - furniture
Sota namn = cute names
Galna svenskar = crazy Swedes
It's James Thurber's birthday ...
--------------
You would not be reading this, if I hadn't found James Thurber in my high school library.
Thurber wrote over 40 books.
My school had 10 of them.
And Irwin Cobb. Robert Benchley.
And S.J. Perelman.
I got tossed more than once, laughing like a lunatic at what I read.
Famous for his New Yorker cartoons, Thurber's best-known story is about that night.
You know the one.
Read here by Tom Ewell...
LINK: The Night the Bed Fell on My Father
LINK: The Unicorn in the Garden, a fable
CHRISTMAS SHOPPER: Hello Dolly shoes
Got an eccentric aunt or anybody
using "they/them" pronouns?
Sure to turn heads Christmas morning:
Hello Dolly shoes
Monday, December 07, 2020
Sunday, December 06, 2020
CANADIANA: Nut nation
YouTube claims THIS is Canada's #1 watched video in 2020. It has 50 million views in total.
WTF?
How to build a squirrel-proof bird feeder?
Somebody's nuts, but it ain't the squirrels.
Saturday, December 05, 2020
Happy Tooth has bad dreams
"Hi kids! I'm Happy Tooth!"
I dreamed last night about my dentist.
Okay, it was a nightmare.
Is his Don Mills suite still Zap Central for dentalphobes?
He has a thriving sleep dentistry practice. Or is that had?
What has the pandemic done to him?
Is he okay?
What will happen to me--and all the other geezers whose childhood dentists were sadists from old westerns--if Dr. Dave's office goes dark?
I will do exactly as I did the decade before I found him.
Nothing.
In the nightmare, I drive--as my sister and I do annually--to north-side Metro to find his dental suite is now a Starbucks.
"Sweet Jesus!" I cry, sis hugging me in tears. "Where are our little cups of pills? My knockout IV? We are doomed!"
"They sent me an e-mail," she wails. "They were counting heads!"
I wake up screaming.
Remember Happy Tooth?
He begs kids to brush their teeth.
I curse his chirpy voice.
"Hi kids! I'm Happy Tooth! Don't forget to brush!"
I brushed. My teeth turned against me.
Where did that damn Happy Tooth live?
Not in my mouth.
Mine's a town of troubled loners.
And they're worried sick.
Send your dentist a Christmas card.
Pray it doesn't come back.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPER: Fish Flip Flops
At the beach or work, here's a perfect gift for those whose feet already stink.
Fish Flip Flops.
Choose from carp, crappie or walleye.
You smelt it, you dealt it.
Friday, December 04, 2020
CHRISTMAS SHOPPER: Heated Hand Shift
Say goodbye to old, cold stick shifts.
On chilly mornings, grab a hand that grabs back.
Heated hand for cars without push starts.
GUESS THE POPE'S WEIGHT!
I never understood BINGOHHH.
Whoops--I forgot the exclamation point.
BINGOHHH! was a recurring Toronto Sun promotion that many sane, smart people at the paper swore readers loved.
I never got it.
I scanned the rules once but gave up.
Life is short.
When the contest came back the third time, I concocted a column that claimed to offer The Complete Rules to Sun BINGOHHH.
It was odd gobbledygook I stole from canasta, hop scotch, Red Rover, Euchre, Old Maid, sack races and Crazy Eights.
At least three readers asked for reprints, the better to be a BINGOHHH winner.
I doubt they won.
But was BINGOHHH! the Greatest Newspaper Promotion Ever?
I thought so, until I heard about the Guess The Pope's Weight Contest.
WTF?
Barbara Amiel surfaces the story in her ridiculously readable Friends and Enemies memoir (Doubleday)
The former editor was at the infamous marketing meeting.
Over to you, my Black Queen.....
****
"(Sun) Marketing meetings were my low point. I did everything
possible to avoid them. Matters came to a head in 1984, when Pope John Paul II came to Canada. How was the Sun going to play the historic visit?
"I suggested to our marketing meeting that we might want to highlight the anti-Nazi activities of the Pope and most especially his stance against communism in his native Poland ... My remarks were greeted with dead silence, broken only by the irresistible notion of our marketing director.
"'I've got it, and you're going to love this,' he said gleefully to the tableful of executives. 'We'll sponsor a contest.' General murmurs of approval. The Sun was mad about contests. I couldn't quite see how to link the Pope with a Toronto Sun contest, but I feared the worst...
"'Here it is,' he said as the cardboard mock-up slid out from under his chair. The words were in purple on a gold background, underneath the Toronto Sun logo, the Pope's face and, all around it, balloons with TV sets, hockey sticks and skis inside them:
"'$100,000 in prizes ... Can You Guess the Pope's Weight?'"
--Barbara Amiel, Friends and Enemies
****
That Pope's Weight contest was genius, baby.
I saw the Popemobile arrive at 333 King St. E.
His Holiness rushed to the elevator, past the legally blind security guard--who got John Paul's first blessing.
Upstairs, JP blessed the demon City Desk, then it's out the back hallway to the Photo Studio where pro clickers Betts, Wesley, Gray, and a half dozen SUNshine Girls waited.
The Pope eyeballed The Giant Scale--borrowed for the day from Shopsy's. There was momentary confusion: should he lose the cape and headgear? Strip to his skivvies? He demurs.
As His Eminence steps onto the scale, proctors Mel Lastman and John Arena watch closely. There was an audible gasp as the Official Result was announced.
He weighs ... 84.3682 kilograms! 186 pounds.
Since The Pope must weigh somewhere between 150 and 250, there are only 8,560 entries who guessed 186 in promotion's corresponding box. He picks one. Cameras click like crickets.
The Pope is asked if he'd like a stale donut in the Sun cafeteria. He demurs. Tuna salad? No. It takes two hours to rush the winner downtown.
The tearful winner hustles upstairs to shoot tomorrow's Sun front. It's the prettiest cheque presentation ever recorded. The Pope held a prop hockey stick. Thanks, Betts. Magic.
Left to right: Tom MacMillan, The Pope, The Winner and Lynda Ruddy. In a second shot, just Pope John Paul and four SUNshine Girls.
The Pope blesses The Winner in English, French and Italian (for Corriere Canadese).
His Holiness gets a Sun t-shirt and a toque.
Both The Pope and The Winner grab free overnight accommodation at Sutton Place, cause we had a really good comp deal. They're on with Scruff the next morning at Q.
When the Sun hit the streets, every stereo store in the city rejoiced. Sun ad dreams do come true. Red Sun boxes downtown were empty by 10.30 a.m. We restarted the presses. It was the Best Circ Day Ever.
Should The Pope diet? Eat less pasta? The weight thing was all over morning radio! Crazy.
You think BINGOHHH! could hold a candle to Guess the Pope's Weight?
Dream on, fool.
Thursday, December 03, 2020
CHRISTMAS SHOPPER: Ant dishes
Surprise your dinner guests
all year round with these fabulous
porcelain ant dishes
COVID TIMES: "Senior mixer at the supermarket"
--Ard Su/newyorker
* * *
I have avoided the "early morning senior mixer at the supermarket." But the rest is all too familiar.
Nothing I've seen lately sticks in my mind as has a tale I've just re-read in a late September issue of the New Yorker.
"Face Time" by Lorrie Moore is a short story: a woman talking to her dying father in a hospital ... on iPads. She has sisters. And a sense of humour.
It's not quite the downer it sounds: one line about France--"which invented pasteurization and has been dining out on that ever since, while still serving small, moldy raw-milk cheeses" made me laugh out loud.
But if your dreams have been stalked this year by some loved one, beyond your reach or aid in a medical lockdown nightmare, you'll be moved.
And it seems to be online ...
LINK: Face Time by Lorrie Moore
Wednesday, December 02, 2020
To hell with 2020
Sick of 2020?
Just live in a different year!
Meet the millennials and trend-setters who've chosen a year they much prefer!
LINKS: Woman who lives like it's 1958
Millennial who lives in Victorian era
Man who lives in Regency period
Backwards is the new Forwards...
Tuesday, December 01, 2020
Shawn James
If you're one of the quarter million subscribers to Shawn James' inspiring videos hand-crafting his off-grid cabin in the Ontario woods, it's a day to be bummed.
He's decided to move.
Above, he explains why he's abandoning the handsome spread we've watched him build--log by log--over these last four years on YouTube.
Turns out his wilderness has been over-run by surveyors, road-builders, city-fleebirds and dirty tricks by a nasty neighbour.
Shawn's My Self Reliance videos document every nail, sawcut and grunt of his work.
He's starting from scratch at a more remote location, continuing his search for solitude.
(You do know that solitude and loneliness are not the same thing, right?)
We live in a sweeping landscape of forests, lakes, special places, horizons for solo discovery, well-kept secrets. Civilization keeps no secrets.
How heart-breaking to see him tear down the longhouse we watched him build.
He begins again.
Good on ya, bud.
Where is Canada's longest runway?
The longest runway in Canada is 14000 feet.
Go fish if you guessed ...
YUL Montreal
YYZ Toronto
YVR Vancouver
It's YYC ...
Monday, November 30, 2020
And on to December...
NBC NEWS
has compiled U.S. coronavirus totals from each month. March: 186,200 …
April: 883,199 … May: 723,166 … June: 845,736 … July: 1,926,970 …
August: 1,479,756 … September: 1,215,901 … October: 1,940,522 …
November: 4,252,822...
December?
Can't stop, won't stop
I have this scary premonition that Trump will end his scorched earth rampage by assuring that he will be at the inauguration. Which will, to his deliight, incite many of his base to show up, and turn Biden's inaugurtion into a continuation of Trump's shitshow.
News item...
Trump may use inauguration to announce 2024 Presidential run
Sunday, November 29, 2020
Music's Survival: A New View
An empty Hollywood Bowl.
Charismatic conductor Gustavo Dudamel.
The LA Phil--the logo-friendly re-branding of one of the world's great orchestras.
And ... imagination.
How does a symphony orchestra survive a pandemic? By creating an island of sound in a locked-down metropolis.
I'm knocked out by the invention involved here: a helicopter. A giant industrial crane. The ability to walk cameras thru players on the great stage.
Here is a document of this terrible year, music struggling in a virus-captive city. It's gorgeous, awful and inspiring, all at the same time.
This killer set of pandemic-confounded performances went up over the weekend on YouTube.
Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue, above.
But links as sweet ...
Still, Sorrow from Afro-American Symphony
Russian the season...
Black Friday begins the run downhill to Christmas. So, my favourite Xmas song....
Saturday, November 28, 2020
Friday, November 27, 2020
Is Shawn Mendes older than an ant?
"Did you know that ants live to be 30 years old?"
I read this in a magazine piece.
No way.
That would make ants years older than Shawn Mendes.
Have ants in my driveway lived longer at this house than I have?
I'm off to multiple sources on the web.
Ant Queens can live for up to 30 years, and workers live from 1 to 3 years. Males, however, are more transitory, being quite short-lived and surviving for only a few weeks. Ant Queens are estimated to live 100 times as long as solitary insects of a similar size.
A Queen ant Lasius niger (Hymenoptera: Formicidae) has the longest recorded adult life of any insect: 28¾ years in captivity.
Mendes is 22.
Thursday, November 26, 2020
We built SkyDome. We can do a Raccoon Bridge.
I'm charmed by the idea of Golden Raccoons on a bridge over Lakeshore Blvd.
Giant bronze raccoons.
Welcome to T.O.
Give us garbage.
Sure, it would be nice to have matching bridges on the QEW, DVP and 401. But this is a start.
Full details at
raccoon; racoon.
The animal is North American, and the AmE spelling is raccoon. The BrE spelling—a variant form in AmE—is racoon ...
The animal is North American, and the AmE spelling is raccoon. The BrE spelling—a variant form in AmE—is racoon ...
Over-reach?
At end of the Shawn Mendes tour flick, now on Netflix, a full-screen, stand alone credit appears.
===
With Special Thanks to Rogers Centre, Toronto
The shape, appearance and design of the Rogers Centre stadium is a copyrighted artistic work owned by Rogers Stadium Limited Partnership, used under license. Rogers Centre is a trademark owned by Rogers Communications Inc.
===
It's the only such arena credit on the 104-show tour. I guess the rest of the venues realize that unless something happens in them, they are just empty buildings.
This is well beyond a courtesy credit.
A moment, please, to recap the history of Rogers Centre, formerly SkyDome.
It cost $600 million of mostly taxpayer cash to build the arena, which opened in 1989.
One decade later, a company called Sportsco bought SkyDome for $85 million in 1998.
Rogers bought the Blue Jays, a founding tenant, in 2000. Four years later, Rogers/Jays bought the arena building itself for $25 million.
They put their name on it.
Stuff happens there.
Unless stuff happens, the building is dark.
I'm curious the Rogers lawyers think they claim some unique "artistic" or "appearance" credit in a film of Mendes' well-deserved success.
Especially for a structure they are plotting to knock down.
Wednesday, November 25, 2020
Department of Gee Whiz
--the Zuck
Facebook's Post-election Tweaks Show Zuckerberg Can Curb Misinformation If He Wants
In the flurry of Trump's "stolen election" lies, the social media giant adjusted its algorithm to promote quality news sources--the New York Times, CNN, NPR--and limit hyper-partisan and untrustworthy publishers. Some Facebook staffers want the "nicer news feed" to be permanent.
--The Hive, Vanity Fair
It's a good concept.
TV's best theme
So I see torontomike.com
has spent several hours with "music experts" playing old TV theme music.
Dozens of themes, hours of yap.
How can they possibly have avoided The Best Theme Ever Written?
Mannix was a detective show starring Mike Connors as Joe Mannix. Any Expert agrees Lalo Schifrin's title theme eclipses all others.
So much so, it's become a standard for revisits by big bands, trying to recapture that energy.
LINK: Mannix theme (WDR big band)
LINK: Mannix theme (Schifrin Lp)
LINK: Mannix theme (Big Beer Band)
Schifrin also wrote the theme to Mission Impossible, and wrote, arranged, recorded dozens of jazz albums.
Mannix ran from 1967 to 1975 on CBS.
What explains this shocking oversite?
Boomers? Yuppies? Beyond belief.
Tuesday, November 24, 2020
blogto.com has late-breaking news on the Giant Dick in Riverdale Park, visible from the Don Valley Parkway. Who doesn't love Art News?
LINK: Mama mia, that's some sausage
The gales of November
The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they called Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy
With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early ...
--Gordon LightfootOf the big lake they called Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy
With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early ...
You get the idea.
The crazed collectors at boredpanda.com
have curated the best photos of what 2020 would be, if it were something else.
More than 60 other examples at
Droll troll
Ammonite, is a new movie about a British fossil collector.
"Mary Anning (1799-1847) ... lived on the Dorset coast--or as it is occasionally and inadequately known, the Jurassic Coast," writes Anthony Lane, the New Yorker's film critic.
"The crumbling cliffs along it dating from the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods, are a happy hunting ground for anyone seeking the fossilized remains of ancient creatures. The nearest American equivalent would be the Academy Awards."
Droll, troll.
Monday, November 23, 2020
Night moves
James Blackwood promised his wife he'd look after the raccoons. She's gone. They're not.
Each night at seven, he takes a pail of chopped up hotdogs out to his deck in Nova Scotia.
And here's how that worked out....
Mad Chords Christmas
Christmas Eve is one month from tomorrow.
Trees have arrived at many supermarkets.
We've got snow.
Jacob Collier put up his take on The Christmas Song over the weekend.
Don't be a Grinch. Roll with it...
Ho ho ho....
28 Days
Lockdown ...
Collins Dictionary's word of the year
Collins Dictionary announced its word of the year - "lockdown". It was chosen because it's been a "unifying experience for billions of people across the world."
Lockdown (noun): the imposition of stringent restrictions on travel, social interaction, and access to public spaces.
It was used over a quarter of a million times this year.
In 2019 when it was used only 4, 000 times (in text).
Other popular words that made the cut were Coronavirus, key worker, self-isolate, social distancing and Tik Toker.
What, no Zoom meets or doom-scrolling?
Sunday, November 22, 2020
The Crown season in two minutes
Comedian Kieran Hodgson reduces 10 hours of The Crown to two minutes. Charles, The Queen, Philip, Thatcher, the midnight burglar, Diana sings Hamilton.
There's something about Friday, Dec. 04.
Both Air Canada and West Jet are selling one-way seats on the westbound cross-country run YYZ-YVR at big discounts only that date.
And I discover Covid insurance!
For any documented reason, e.g. loss of job, exam, illness of the insured person or their relatives, cat and dog
Resignation from travel in case of contracting COVID-19
Resignation due to obligatory quarantine before departure
90% refund of the flight ticket costs
This insurance covers NOTHING else: lost bags, accident etc. (West Jet/lucky2go)
Captive audience
Air Canada charges flyers $39 to fly one bag from the US to MEXICO or the US to CANADA.
But fly that same bag anywhere WITHIN Canada, and you will pay $46.
Both figures are Canadian dollars.
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