Icicle cave,
Lake Opeongo Road
Algonquin Park
Monday, April 03, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Another day, another tempest
I guess from his 62% approval rating, most Canadians are comforted by Prime Minister Harper's waist measurement rather than alarmed. Media become hysterical over the darndest things.
And honestly, why should the PM have to rush to Dr. Bernstein's Weight Loss Clinics for an anti-Pringles lecture and a round of B-vitamin injections?
With the Ottawa press gallery already on your behind, do you really need another needle in your butt?
I think not.
As to the manufactured "controversy" surrounding the PM taking his kids to grade school and shaking their hands as they went off to class ...
... did your dad ever take you to school?
Ever?
Mine neither.
And honestly, why should the PM have to rush to Dr. Bernstein's Weight Loss Clinics for an anti-Pringles lecture and a round of B-vitamin injections?
With the Ottawa press gallery already on your behind, do you really need another needle in your butt?
I think not.
As to the manufactured "controversy" surrounding the PM taking his kids to grade school and shaking their hands as they went off to class ...
... did your dad ever take you to school?
Ever?
Mine neither.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Catching the giant muskey
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.
A giant muskey lives just below this hole.
Keep your baseball bat handy.
Did you bring the frozen peas?
Excellent.
I'll place a circle of peas around the hole.
Soon the muskey will come up to take a pea.
Hit him with the baseball bat.
But if you have to take a pee, give me the bat.
Tweedledumb and Tweedlesmartass
President George Bush on port security:
"It sends a terrible signal around the world that it's okay for a company from one country (Great Britain) to manage the ports but not a country that has a good track record from another part of the world (United Arab Emirates)... "
Comedian Bill Maher:
"What happened to everything changed after 9/11?
"What happened to they only have to be right once but we have to be right all the time?
"If this is such a good idea, how would Bush would feel if we said Okay--let's have your Secret Service detail be taken over by the United Arab Emirates?
"If it's okay for all the rest of us, lets have the Arabs protect you ... and just hope that ticking sound is Dick Cheney's pace maker.
"Who's kidding who?"
"It sends a terrible signal around the world that it's okay for a company from one country (Great Britain) to manage the ports but not a country that has a good track record from another part of the world (United Arab Emirates)... "
Comedian Bill Maher:
"What happened to everything changed after 9/11?
"What happened to they only have to be right once but we have to be right all the time?
"If this is such a good idea, how would Bush would feel if we said Okay--let's have your Secret Service detail be taken over by the United Arab Emirates?
"If it's okay for all the rest of us, lets have the Arabs protect you ... and just hope that ticking sound is Dick Cheney's pace maker.
"Who's kidding who?"
Mr. Maher for the prosecution
Back for another limited run on HBO Friday nights, the only TV show worth recording.... Bill Maher's Real Time... Bill?
"The President has arranged for al-qaeda to guard our ports.... this is his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there. Apparently, a complete turn around...
"And Bush is not backing down... he says if this deal doesn't go thru, it's gonna be a slap in the face to the Arabs. Which is ironic, because we have four guys in Guantanamo Bay whose specific job is to slap Arabs in the face...
"A civil war has broken out in Iraq and of course the Bush administration is furious. They said, how dare you start a war in the middle of our war...
"When Bush heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraquis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria...
"The news from Iraq is so bad that today, Bush asked Cheney to go hunting again."
"The President has arranged for al-qaeda to guard our ports.... this is his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there. Apparently, a complete turn around...
"And Bush is not backing down... he says if this deal doesn't go thru, it's gonna be a slap in the face to the Arabs. Which is ironic, because we have four guys in Guantanamo Bay whose specific job is to slap Arabs in the face...
"A civil war has broken out in Iraq and of course the Bush administration is furious. They said, how dare you start a war in the middle of our war...
"When Bush heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraquis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria...
"The news from Iraq is so bad that today, Bush asked Cheney to go hunting again."
Monday, February 20, 2006
Freedom of the yadda yadda yadda
That no mainstream Canadian newspaper dares publish the controversial cartoons of the prophet Mohammed is clear evidence publishers value their lobby plate glass windows more than freedom of the press.
Well, duh!
Grow up!
When has this not been the case?
Do you think any of the soul-less corporations that operate the dwindling number of newspapers gives a diddlydamn about anything other than how fast they can make them resemble supermarket flyers?
Replacing the lobby windows would cost thousands of dollars.
It is so bloody obvious nobody would even bring it up at a budget meeting.
You want to what? Sit down. Shut up. You're fired.
Why would you publish ANYTHING that might break the lobby windows?
And they don't.
This is why ...
(a) personalities dominate elections rather than anything anybody actually feels strongly about
(b) entire nations are taken over by religious loonies. No, not Iran: look south, to the Religion Liason Office in the White House.
(c) celebrity sightings, addictions and fartings are passed off as "news"
(d) less editors and staff are required to process the tsunami of publicity handouts that separate the ads, and
(e) things are not just unlikely, but UNABLE to change.
Cartoonists think the cartoons should have been published?
That's today's front page news?
Months after the cartoons first appeared?
Weeks after every publishing drone considered what the corporate tower suits would make of replacing the lobby windows?
What's the old expression about being a day late and a dollar short?
Months late. Decades short. No guts. No glory.
This was hardly the hill to die on.
That hill was bulldozed in the 1990s by bottom-line guys.
Maybe earlier.
By the way--do you remember yesterday's editorial cartoon in any newspaper?
No? Me neither.
You take my point?
Well, duh!
Grow up!
When has this not been the case?
Do you think any of the soul-less corporations that operate the dwindling number of newspapers gives a diddlydamn about anything other than how fast they can make them resemble supermarket flyers?
Replacing the lobby windows would cost thousands of dollars.
It is so bloody obvious nobody would even bring it up at a budget meeting.
You want to what? Sit down. Shut up. You're fired.
Why would you publish ANYTHING that might break the lobby windows?
And they don't.
This is why ...
(a) personalities dominate elections rather than anything anybody actually feels strongly about
(b) entire nations are taken over by religious loonies. No, not Iran: look south, to the Religion Liason Office in the White House.
(c) celebrity sightings, addictions and fartings are passed off as "news"
(d) less editors and staff are required to process the tsunami of publicity handouts that separate the ads, and
(e) things are not just unlikely, but UNABLE to change.
Cartoonists think the cartoons should have been published?
That's today's front page news?
Months after the cartoons first appeared?
Weeks after every publishing drone considered what the corporate tower suits would make of replacing the lobby windows?
What's the old expression about being a day late and a dollar short?
Months late. Decades short. No guts. No glory.
This was hardly the hill to die on.
That hill was bulldozed in the 1990s by bottom-line guys.
Maybe earlier.
By the way--do you remember yesterday's editorial cartoon in any newspaper?
No? Me neither.
You take my point?
Saturday, February 11, 2006
"It's all about me!"
How great to see financial beardo Garth Turner providing some much-needed comic relief to the Tories' opening week kick at the can.
MP Garth's barking is apparently designed to make him the easy call of choice when Lib-turned-Tory David Emerson is driven from cabinet kennel, yelping.
As fans of the noisy one-time Toronto Sun money guru and PC finance minister may remember, Turner's predictive powers can be a little iffy.
Hold your bets.
MP Garth's barking is apparently designed to make him the easy call of choice when Lib-turned-Tory David Emerson is driven from cabinet kennel, yelping.
As fans of the noisy one-time Toronto Sun money guru and PC finance minister may remember, Turner's predictive powers can be a little iffy.
Hold your bets.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Power babes
"You heard it here first," reads a two-line e-mail from a politics-smart pal, wise beyond cynicism and time.
"Canada's next Liberal leader and Prime Minister ... Carole Taylor."
Taylor is currently BC's Minister of Finance.
The former chair of the CBC and TV journalist has the smarts and communications skills to be an attractive new face in the race. She has connects all thru the party, a power base.
Harper vs. Taylor. West vs. West.
And to hell with Ontario.
With Da Boys--soiled Chretien/Martin cabinet rats and worse--jumping the good ship Grit hourly, it's time for Da Girls to do what Da Boys can't or won't.
Steer.
And could chicks do any worse than Prime Minister Dithers' recent election face plant? Bummer, man.
1. A femme take-over of the party might finally give Ken "Give-Me-Daycare-Or-Give-Me-Death" Dryden his exit papers. And day care in the bargain.
2. Social issues would be front and centre, displacing tired white guys.
3. Scrums would be 42% more watchable.
4. Media weasels would celebrate a new candidate who Wasn't Crazy. At least they could include Ms. Taylor's name in that shrinking paragraph of Other Possible Contenders.
Hey, anything to make Scott Brison go away.
"Canada's next Liberal leader and Prime Minister ... Carole Taylor."
Taylor is currently BC's Minister of Finance.
The former chair of the CBC and TV journalist has the smarts and communications skills to be an attractive new face in the race. She has connects all thru the party, a power base.
Harper vs. Taylor. West vs. West.
And to hell with Ontario.
With Da Boys--soiled Chretien/Martin cabinet rats and worse--jumping the good ship Grit hourly, it's time for Da Girls to do what Da Boys can't or won't.
Steer.
And could chicks do any worse than Prime Minister Dithers' recent election face plant? Bummer, man.
1. A femme take-over of the party might finally give Ken "Give-Me-Daycare-Or-Give-Me-Death" Dryden his exit papers. And day care in the bargain.
2. Social issues would be front and centre, displacing tired white guys.
3. Scrums would be 42% more watchable.
4. Media weasels would celebrate a new candidate who Wasn't Crazy. At least they could include Ms. Taylor's name in that shrinking paragraph of Other Possible Contenders.
Hey, anything to make Scott Brison go away.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Martian doing weird experiment
Where do they come from?
What do they want of us?
Is theirs a waterless planet?
Are they mystified by liquid that is hard and soft at the same time?
Baffled. As always, scientists are baffled.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Shoot the smug off
How terrific to read that US troops are now shooting at speeding cars filled with Canadian diplomats. Way to go, I say. A little less smugness. Clear the decks.
Why are these high-paid suits pounding around Iraq anyway?
What good could smug SOBs from third tier nations conceivably do?
Next time, aim for their Filofaxes, not the car hood.
Yes, my tongue is a little in cheek.
But not much.
Why are these high-paid suits pounding around Iraq anyway?
What good could smug SOBs from third tier nations conceivably do?
Next time, aim for their Filofaxes, not the car hood.
Yes, my tongue is a little in cheek.
But not much.
Second guessing
"Second guessing is not a strategy."
(Half smirk and eye squint)
To watch President Bush lumber thru a State of the Union speech he could not possibly have written--and indeed, can barely read--is to etch permanent scowl lines in your forehead.
To have the subliminal Cheshire cat TV smile of Dick Cheney over the big guy's shoulder for more than an hour is salt in the wound.
So what a relief to find Mark Morford--the only sane man in the cosmos-- delivering a few words of hope so sadly missing last night. By the time I got to his rap about "paranoid ferrets" I was rolling on the floor.
Morford is the dead-on columnist/libertine for the San Francisco Gate:
The Real State Of The Union
How to address a bitter, war-torn
but still somehow giddy and deeply horny nation
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2006/02/01/notes020106.DTL&nl=fix
(Half smirk and eye squint)
To watch President Bush lumber thru a State of the Union speech he could not possibly have written--and indeed, can barely read--is to etch permanent scowl lines in your forehead.
To have the subliminal Cheshire cat TV smile of Dick Cheney over the big guy's shoulder for more than an hour is salt in the wound.
So what a relief to find Mark Morford--the only sane man in the cosmos-- delivering a few words of hope so sadly missing last night. By the time I got to his rap about "paranoid ferrets" I was rolling on the floor.
Morford is the dead-on columnist/libertine for the San Francisco Gate:
The Real State Of The Union
How to address a bitter, war-torn
but still somehow giddy and deeply horny nation
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2006/02/01/notes020106.DTL&nl=fix
Return of the Stern
In case there was some lunkhead who actually believed Sirius Canada would not quickly add Howard Stern to its maple syrup satellite line-up, heart-stopping news this morning...
Sirius Canada says it will add Howard Stern's talk radio show to its 100-channel line-up next Monday (Feb. 6) Stern's show debuted on Sirius in the U.S. on Jan. 9 but was not included on the Canadian network.
Stern's absence made a good excuse why the sales of Canuck satellite radio units over the Christmas season was so lame. We shall see.
Sirius Canada says it will add Howard Stern's talk radio show to its 100-channel line-up next Monday (Feb. 6) Stern's show debuted on Sirius in the U.S. on Jan. 9 but was not included on the Canadian network.
Stern's absence made a good excuse why the sales of Canuck satellite radio units over the Christmas season was so lame. We shall see.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
We sparkle plenty
From the New York Times...
The Conservatives' success was helped by voters' exhaustion with the divided and squabbling Liberals, with the unending series of slush-fund and inside-dealing scandals that have swirled around their rule for the past few years, and with the distinctly lackluster campaign skills of the outgoing prime minister, Paul Martin, who managed to be uncharismatic even by Canada's undemanding standards.
Hey, hey, hey!
You sayin' us Hosers got no charisma? Hooey!
Canadians reek of twinkle and charm!
Why there's.... uh ... what's his name?
Or... uhm ... that other guy. You know who.
Give me a second. I'll think of one.
The Conservatives' success was helped by voters' exhaustion with the divided and squabbling Liberals, with the unending series of slush-fund and inside-dealing scandals that have swirled around their rule for the past few years, and with the distinctly lackluster campaign skills of the outgoing prime minister, Paul Martin, who managed to be uncharismatic even by Canada's undemanding standards.
Hey, hey, hey!
You sayin' us Hosers got no charisma? Hooey!
Canadians reek of twinkle and charm!
Why there's.... uh ... what's his name?
Or... uhm ... that other guy. You know who.
Give me a second. I'll think of one.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Jumpin' Jack 'Stache
Imagine for a moment that Jack Layton was not the leader of the New Democrats.
Imagine that he did not run a brilliant campaign.
Imagine that Jack did not, in the final hours, ask unhappy Liberals to "lend" him their votes. As NDP and Conservative seat counts testify, many did.
Wouldn't the Liberals have squeaked thru to another minority, a minority as slim as the Conservatives now have?
Wouldn't Gomery's rats have escaped the trap?
Harper energized his base. Layton moved votes.
On the day after the election, Canadians have Jumpin' Jack Stache to thank that the smug Liberals were punished... at ... all.
Thanks, buddy.
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
An election night e-mail arrives, a dear friend fearful of the terrifying hours to come.
"Finally a home for all the religious nutbars," she wails. "And the gun lobby. Their ads run around the clock here. And the creationists. And the We-Would-Rather-Canada-Be-Primarily-White Joyriders. And the rich guys who want to pay no taxes on whatever gains they have not managed to secrete off-shore....
"Of course I voted Liberal. Martin is decent and honest. Yes, he and his cadre of young white men have run a stupid campaign, but the alternative is just too scary... "
I rush to the keyboard to re-assure her.
(Let tearful photo set the mood. Sniffle.)
"Gee," I write back to her.
"I'm not half as fearful and frustrated as you appear to be. But then I'm not a Liberal.
"I'm a dog person.
"Reward good behaviour. Ignore bad behaviour.
"Unfortunately, Martin and Chretien only focused on the second. This is not exactly a plan for better behaviour.
"What exactly would the Liberals have to do to dissuade you voting for them? Come to your house and steal the TV? Promise you day care for a sixth time about 18 months from now? Drink all your good wine and soil the sofa? Poke you in the eye and tell you they're entitled? Oh wait: they already did that.
"Do you believe, given Harper's all-too-pragmatic, don't-be-scared campaign, that a dumptruck of Conservative loon legislation is coming in the next two years? How would he ever achieve a majority? If so, your prayers will be answered when he returns to the polls... and is buried by media, opposition and history.
"If the nation is so fragile that Tory nutbars who've been hiding under rocks since November, Opus Dei and Focus on the Family Bible-burpers can put us back in the caves, chasing pregnant single women with sticks and toasting marshmallows and bannock over flaming copies of the Charter, perhaps we deserve it.
"That you can find any politician to type the words 'honest and decent' about, is a marvel. The ones I see are motivated by personal ambition and not much else. Their one qualification for office: they are missing the 'shame' gene.
"I have stocked my living room with cheesies, Sleeman Clear, Meyers rum and Diet Coke.
"Let the Great Miracle of Democracy begin!"
I hit SEND and snicker.
Yes, I am here to help. What are friends for?
"Finally a home for all the religious nutbars," she wails. "And the gun lobby. Their ads run around the clock here. And the creationists. And the We-Would-Rather-Canada-Be-Primarily-White Joyriders. And the rich guys who want to pay no taxes on whatever gains they have not managed to secrete off-shore....
"Of course I voted Liberal. Martin is decent and honest. Yes, he and his cadre of young white men have run a stupid campaign, but the alternative is just too scary... "
I rush to the keyboard to re-assure her.
(Let tearful photo set the mood. Sniffle.)
"Gee," I write back to her.
"I'm not half as fearful and frustrated as you appear to be. But then I'm not a Liberal.
"I'm a dog person.
"Reward good behaviour. Ignore bad behaviour.
"Unfortunately, Martin and Chretien only focused on the second. This is not exactly a plan for better behaviour.
"What exactly would the Liberals have to do to dissuade you voting for them? Come to your house and steal the TV? Promise you day care for a sixth time about 18 months from now? Drink all your good wine and soil the sofa? Poke you in the eye and tell you they're entitled? Oh wait: they already did that.
"Do you believe, given Harper's all-too-pragmatic, don't-be-scared campaign, that a dumptruck of Conservative loon legislation is coming in the next two years? How would he ever achieve a majority? If so, your prayers will be answered when he returns to the polls... and is buried by media, opposition and history.
"If the nation is so fragile that Tory nutbars who've been hiding under rocks since November, Opus Dei and Focus on the Family Bible-burpers can put us back in the caves, chasing pregnant single women with sticks and toasting marshmallows and bannock over flaming copies of the Charter, perhaps we deserve it.
"That you can find any politician to type the words 'honest and decent' about, is a marvel. The ones I see are motivated by personal ambition and not much else. Their one qualification for office: they are missing the 'shame' gene.
"I have stocked my living room with cheesies, Sleeman Clear, Meyers rum and Diet Coke.
"Let the Great Miracle of Democracy begin!"
I hit SEND and snicker.
Yes, I am here to help. What are friends for?
Monday, January 23, 2006
This just in...
All the voters in the previous photo have now been trucked to the polls by party workers frantic for participation.
Soon, the Miracle of Democracy will begin.
A caution: stay in your homes til daylight.
Many dead voters, once unearthed, decide to make a night of it.
Elections Canada is not legally liable.
Soon, the Miracle of Democracy will begin.
A caution: stay in your homes til daylight.
Many dead voters, once unearthed, decide to make a night of it.
Elections Canada is not legally liable.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Late night e-talk
My computer blinks when someone on-line wants to chat.
They're almost always former readers of the column.
Awww. Still loved. Sniffle.
I e-talked with a Canadian living in Texas last night.
It went like this....
And yes, he knows it's going up here...
WINS 1010: Gary...as they say in Louisiana..."How's bayou?"
Pagesix: still kickin. u?
WINS 1010: Not bad. Are the Tories still ahead in the polls?
Pagesix: tories 38, libs 29, ndp 17, bloc whatever as of this morning
WINS 1010: Great. Harper seems like Bush Jr.
Pagesix: i think bush jr is seriously without rival
Pagesix: paul martin looks about 104 now.
stumbles over his own memorized sound clips. it's weird
WINS 1010: You're probably right there, but it amazes me that people don't just see what's happened here over the past 5 years and put in a Liberal majority. Last time I looked at the CBC site, the Tories are pulling the gay rights issue out of the hat.
WINS 1010: A two month long campaign must be gruelling :)
WINS 1010: As long as the Democrats here allow Republicans to talk about abortion and gay rights, they're not going to get anywhere.
Pagesix: The tories have a nice tv ad that shows blue collar joes eating in a diner looking up at a tv set on which martin, & cab members keep repeating they had nothing to do with sponsorgate, that they are paragons of integrity....
this is intercut with justice gomery quotes: "an elaborate tax fund scheme..."
Pagesix: The folks in the diner just nod their heads at each other ... and grin
WINS 1010: Oy. It's just the negative nonsense. Unfortunately it works.
Pagesix: it doesn't come close to the liberal attack ads. at least there's some grin to it.
WINS 1010: I guess Harper's spending the summer on the rubber chicken and barbecue circuit helped his image.
Pagesix: we'll see what rabbits are pulled from hats in the next 2 weeks
Pagesix: he can walk and talk at the same time now. that wasn't true last time out
Pagesix: and he's so laid back... a tribute to modern chemistry
WINS 1010: Should be good. My wife and voted by mail. We've been in Texas for over 20 years. That's a whole other story.
Pagesix: don't hear your accent on here
Pagesix: got the gunrack?
WINS 1010: :)
Pagesix: u never know when a crazed armadillo will try to get in the truck
WINS 1010: No gunrack. If people broke into my house, they'd LEAVE us stuff:)
Pagesix: lol
WINS 1010: I still don't understand why all these people drive pickups and they don't haul anything:)
Pagesix: they haul ass
WINS 1010: Not in the supermarket. They stand around and clog the aisles talking about the Cowboys:)
WINS 1010: Half the city of Plano is in Walmart at any given time:)
Pagesix: i spend time in colorado.
99% of walmart yap is about the broncs
Pagesix: u got somethin' against them 66 cent cans of pringles u darn canuck?
WINS 1010: :) And where can you get a coffee maker for $9?
Pagesix: ah-murica. home of the predigested, perfectly-formed chip
Pagesix: exactly
WINS 1010: And Olestra. Oy vey.
Late night e-talk ... part two
Pagesix: ah-murica. home of the predigested chip
Pagesix: exactly
WINS 1010: And Olestra. Oy vey.
Pagesix: talk like that is what george is lookin for on his wiretraps
Pagesix: i've been in two walmarts now that had no GREETER.
is there an old coot shortage?
WINS 1010: Gonzales is going to fly us both to secret bases in Bangladesh and implant microchips in our arms.
Pagesix: at least we'll get tan
WINS 1010: Unless we end up in Ukraine:)
WINS 1010: The sad thing is, more people are concerned about Survivor than the president grabbing power.
WINS 1010: Short memories. It's really too bad.
Pagesix: saw george b. jr on tv this week.
his facial expressions are getting more and more like The Muppets.
Pagesix: odd, over-exagerrated, tick-y
Pagesix: thank god cheney rocks
Pagesix: the evil empire is safe
WINS 1010: Funny...you should write a column for the Telegram:)
Pagesix: i can't even summon enthusiasm to do the blog.
Pagesix: the snow on the kayaks in the yard depresses me. lol
Pagesix: tho we're havin a thaw
WINS 1010: I have trouble getting motivated to write a check (cheque) (or a Pole)
WINS 1010: Are you still in the Toronto area?
Pagesix: nope, still in the woods, east of algonquin park. about three to TO, two to Ott and Kingston. down to ottawa in the morning for a few days of r&r
Pagesix: the web made it possible to do the last 10 years at the sun mostly from the boonies
WINS 1010: Wow. The real woods. I used to get nervous being more than 10 minutes from a 7-11, but as I get older, I like the thought of solitude.
Pagesix: pizza pizza is greatly overrated. ditto timmy's
WINS 1010: I'll probably have to work until they carry me out in a casket ... I still think about retiring back in Ontario, at least for most of the year.
Pagesix: man does not live by sushi kitchens alone
WINS 1010: I never cared for the chain pizza joints since I grew up in NY, but I do miss Tim Hortons coffee and crullers.
Pagesix: just dump chickory in your own coffee
Pagesix: be your own addiction
WINS 1010: Chicory? Maybe I'll switch to Postum:)
Pagesix: come back. If only for the comedy. lol
Pagesix: there is a comfort knowing whatever we do jan 23, IT JUST DOESN"T MATTER.
we're a little comic opera country, stomping our feet and singing patter songs
WINS 1010: I did buy a can of Tim Hortons coffee from a lady in Vancouver on Ebay.
WINS 1010: :)
Pagesix: i believe 90% of all ebay sales occur between 2am and 4am local time, after the bars close.
WINS 1010: Stompin' Tom Connors.
WINS 1010: I hope he's still alive.
WINS 1010: Rap music way ahead of its time.
Pagesix: tom still stomps
WINS 1010: Great to hear. How about Ronnie?
Pagesix: amazingly, still alive.
WINS 1010: His most productive years:)
Pagesix: people are very nice to u if they think u might croak in front of them.
WINS 1010: They don't want to dispose of the body:)
Pagesix: bury him in the yard with the ex's. why stop now.
WINS 1010: Or next to the Cadillacs near Amarillo, Texas:)
Pagesix: and of course Canadians .... are .... NICE.
WINS 1010: Anyway, must run and get back to work. Mazel tov on the blog. At least now you write when you want to.
Pagesix: maybe i'll just paste all this in the blog.
that way, george's people won't have to transcribe it all to find out that Bad Thing u said about walmart. Good idea?
WINS 1010: :) Great...make his job easier. He probably has all my e-mail anyway:)
Pagesix: see u in bahrain, sparky
Pagesix: or wherever the secret little jets take us
WINS 1010: :) We should be so lucky.
Pagesix: pretend it's bahrain. we'll be blindfolded
WINS 1010: :)
Pagesix: have a good one
Pagesix: exactly
WINS 1010: And Olestra. Oy vey.
Pagesix: talk like that is what george is lookin for on his wiretraps
Pagesix: i've been in two walmarts now that had no GREETER.
is there an old coot shortage?
WINS 1010: Gonzales is going to fly us both to secret bases in Bangladesh and implant microchips in our arms.
Pagesix: at least we'll get tan
WINS 1010: Unless we end up in Ukraine:)
WINS 1010: The sad thing is, more people are concerned about Survivor than the president grabbing power.
WINS 1010: Short memories. It's really too bad.
Pagesix: saw george b. jr on tv this week.
his facial expressions are getting more and more like The Muppets.
Pagesix: odd, over-exagerrated, tick-y
Pagesix: thank god cheney rocks
Pagesix: the evil empire is safe
WINS 1010: Funny...you should write a column for the Telegram:)
Pagesix: i can't even summon enthusiasm to do the blog.
Pagesix: the snow on the kayaks in the yard depresses me. lol
Pagesix: tho we're havin a thaw
WINS 1010: I have trouble getting motivated to write a check (cheque) (or a Pole)
WINS 1010: Are you still in the Toronto area?
Pagesix: nope, still in the woods, east of algonquin park. about three to TO, two to Ott and Kingston. down to ottawa in the morning for a few days of r&r
Pagesix: the web made it possible to do the last 10 years at the sun mostly from the boonies
WINS 1010: Wow. The real woods. I used to get nervous being more than 10 minutes from a 7-11, but as I get older, I like the thought of solitude.
Pagesix: pizza pizza is greatly overrated. ditto timmy's
WINS 1010: I'll probably have to work until they carry me out in a casket ... I still think about retiring back in Ontario, at least for most of the year.
Pagesix: man does not live by sushi kitchens alone
WINS 1010: I never cared for the chain pizza joints since I grew up in NY, but I do miss Tim Hortons coffee and crullers.
Pagesix: just dump chickory in your own coffee
Pagesix: be your own addiction
WINS 1010: Chicory? Maybe I'll switch to Postum:)
Pagesix: come back. If only for the comedy. lol
Pagesix: there is a comfort knowing whatever we do jan 23, IT JUST DOESN"T MATTER.
we're a little comic opera country, stomping our feet and singing patter songs
WINS 1010: I did buy a can of Tim Hortons coffee from a lady in Vancouver on Ebay.
WINS 1010: :)
Pagesix: i believe 90% of all ebay sales occur between 2am and 4am local time, after the bars close.
WINS 1010: Stompin' Tom Connors.
WINS 1010: I hope he's still alive.
WINS 1010: Rap music way ahead of its time.
Pagesix: tom still stomps
WINS 1010: Great to hear. How about Ronnie?
Pagesix: amazingly, still alive.
WINS 1010: His most productive years:)
Pagesix: people are very nice to u if they think u might croak in front of them.
WINS 1010: They don't want to dispose of the body:)
Pagesix: bury him in the yard with the ex's. why stop now.
WINS 1010: Or next to the Cadillacs near Amarillo, Texas:)
Pagesix: and of course Canadians .... are .... NICE.
WINS 1010: Anyway, must run and get back to work. Mazel tov on the blog. At least now you write when you want to.
Pagesix: maybe i'll just paste all this in the blog.
that way, george's people won't have to transcribe it all to find out that Bad Thing u said about walmart. Good idea?
WINS 1010: :) Great...make his job easier. He probably has all my e-mail anyway:)
Pagesix: see u in bahrain, sparky
Pagesix: or wherever the secret little jets take us
WINS 1010: :) We should be so lucky.
Pagesix: pretend it's bahrain. we'll be blindfolded
WINS 1010: :)
Pagesix: have a good one
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Good-bye Prime Minister Pinky!
Summary line in Toronto Star this morning:
Many people in this war-weary land began to look cautiously toward a future without their strong-willed 77-year-old leader....
Oh wait!
Paul Martin is 67.
They must be talking about somebody else.
Many people in this war-weary land began to look cautiously toward a future without their strong-willed 77-year-old leader....
Oh wait!
Paul Martin is 67.
They must be talking about somebody else.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Lost ... and found
So since last July, I have been free to drift.
And drift I have.
The joy of not having to produce another 800 words of copy for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, has not yet lifted.
A daily column that drips for decades seriously taps a tree.
But there is snow on my kayaks. It's a long winter.
And I confess here and now... I was not ... born to blog.
It's not that opportunity hasn't knocked.
Fall brought a radio gig query, an echo of my 1980s.
A long-time TV bud flattered me with work bait.
I said no to both.
If I'm going to work my butt off in public again, I want something odd, something funny, something strange, something peculiar.
An idea that--hopefully--will make other people laugh.
Yes, I will serve you when it's ready.
It's here. I may even write about it.
Just one word for you, a clue if you will since you are pals, here the very day that project begins. That word is ... Boot.
It came together this morning.
I now have a workbox labeled ... Boot.
It will take about six months.
Last week I wuz lost, in serious December funk.
But this morning, I wuz found.
My idiot grin came back...
In the first quarter moon of this bright, new year.
It shines on you too. So grin, darn it.
And drift I have.
The joy of not having to produce another 800 words of copy for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, has not yet lifted.
A daily column that drips for decades seriously taps a tree.
But there is snow on my kayaks. It's a long winter.
And I confess here and now... I was not ... born to blog.
It's not that opportunity hasn't knocked.
Fall brought a radio gig query, an echo of my 1980s.
A long-time TV bud flattered me with work bait.
I said no to both.
If I'm going to work my butt off in public again, I want something odd, something funny, something strange, something peculiar.
An idea that--hopefully--will make other people laugh.
Yes, I will serve you when it's ready.
It's here. I may even write about it.
Just one word for you, a clue if you will since you are pals, here the very day that project begins. That word is ... Boot.
It came together this morning.
I now have a workbox labeled ... Boot.
It will take about six months.
Last week I wuz lost, in serious December funk.
But this morning, I wuz found.
My idiot grin came back...
In the first quarter moon of this bright, new year.
It shines on you too. So grin, darn it.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
The Morning After
Yes, the bear lights up.
Called a bud to see if he wants to hoist a New Year's beer.
"Dunf," he moans, "I'm too effed up to drink."
We both were at the same NYear's Eve bonfire.
Okay, so it ran a little late.
Dawn comes. This is the way 2006 begins.
Salut. Have a good one.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Is it only Wednesday?
We are in the slow, dark heart of the longest week in the media year.
For newspapers, endless Top 10s and piffle.
Loot the files, scalp the archives.
More copy! More lists!
2005's Most Exciting Breakups.
The Top 10 Celebrity Sadsacks.
The Year's Cutest/Oddest/Scariest Trends.
The Top 10 Dog Fashions.
The 10 Most Fascinating Scanner Calls, as prepared by the police desk.
Who's IN and who's OUT and do you even know their names?
Pray for the pathetic lugnuts who drew the short straw and must prepare this material and fill the box until readers come back.
I was one once.
Yet I feel their pain.
For newspapers, endless Top 10s and piffle.
Loot the files, scalp the archives.
More copy! More lists!
2005's Most Exciting Breakups.
The Top 10 Celebrity Sadsacks.
The Year's Cutest/Oddest/Scariest Trends.
The Top 10 Dog Fashions.
The 10 Most Fascinating Scanner Calls, as prepared by the police desk.
Who's IN and who's OUT and do you even know their names?
Pray for the pathetic lugnuts who drew the short straw and must prepare this material and fill the box until readers come back.
I was one once.
Yet I feel their pain.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Merry Moosemas
My moose pal and I are staying in the woods this weekend, being un-naturally wary of hunters, leg-hold traps and airports.
There will be plenty of rum and no relative will dance The Alley Cat.
In short, the best Xmas possible.
May you have one too.
Come on! Try!
Granny's nuts
Everybody comes to granny's house for Christmas.
Granny follows the sound of children's laughter and hurries to their playroom.
"Who'd like some nuts?" the dear old woman chuckles.
Greedy children fight for the treats, devouring every nut in the bowl. She brings them a second serving. "Eat up!" she chirps. "I have lots!"
Granny goes to the den, when family guys are drinking beer and trading b.s. It is a blue zone of belches and farts.
"Anyone for nuts?" Granny asks? She has another bowl! "I'll just leave them here on the table, lads."
Gorilla hands grab for nuts, fill their fists.
Granny goes to the kitchen, where lady relatives cluster.
"Can I offer you girls some nuts?" Granny asks, pulling a huge sack of nuts out of the cupboard and filling yet another bowl. Soon it's empty too.
She refills nut bowls all afternoon, urging kids and adults to eat up. A daughter-in-law sees her yanking another sack from the cupboard.
"Aren't you having any nuts yourself, Gran?" she asks.
"Oh no dear," Granny says. "You know I can't have nuts! I have such terrible gums. And no teeth!"
"Then why do you buy so many?"
Granny smiles sweetly: "I just love the chocolate around them."
Granny follows the sound of children's laughter and hurries to their playroom.
"Who'd like some nuts?" the dear old woman chuckles.
Greedy children fight for the treats, devouring every nut in the bowl. She brings them a second serving. "Eat up!" she chirps. "I have lots!"
Granny goes to the den, when family guys are drinking beer and trading b.s. It is a blue zone of belches and farts.
"Anyone for nuts?" Granny asks? She has another bowl! "I'll just leave them here on the table, lads."
Gorilla hands grab for nuts, fill their fists.
Granny goes to the kitchen, where lady relatives cluster.
"Can I offer you girls some nuts?" Granny asks, pulling a huge sack of nuts out of the cupboard and filling yet another bowl. Soon it's empty too.
She refills nut bowls all afternoon, urging kids and adults to eat up. A daughter-in-law sees her yanking another sack from the cupboard.
"Aren't you having any nuts yourself, Gran?" she asks.
"Oh no dear," Granny says. "You know I can't have nuts! I have such terrible gums. And no teeth!"
"Then why do you buy so many?"
Granny smiles sweetly: "I just love the chocolate around them."
The Christmas Gloves
Okay, okay.
You knew it was gonna show up here.
It took weeks for the guy to find his girlfriend's perfect Christmas gift.
They'd only dated a few months. He wanted romantic, but nothing cold, creepy or too personal.
He decides on a pair of gloves. Ladylike. Old-fashioned.
He enlists his girlfriend's younger sister to select them at Holt Renfrew. The sister is so delighted by the store, she buys a pair of lace panties for herself.
The salesclerk mixes up the boxes. That's why the guy's girlfriend opens a box of panties on Christmas morning and reads the following hand-written note...
"I chose these because I notice you never wear any when we go out. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen longer ones with buttons. But she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the saleslady showed me a pair she'd been wearing for three weeks and they were barely soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to help put them on you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away. They will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Will you wear them for me New Years Eve?
"P.S... The saleslady says the latest style is to wear them folded down, with a little fur showing."
She fled town on Boxing Day.
You knew it was gonna show up here.
It took weeks for the guy to find his girlfriend's perfect Christmas gift.
They'd only dated a few months. He wanted romantic, but nothing cold, creepy or too personal.
He decides on a pair of gloves. Ladylike. Old-fashioned.
He enlists his girlfriend's younger sister to select them at Holt Renfrew. The sister is so delighted by the store, she buys a pair of lace panties for herself.
The salesclerk mixes up the boxes. That's why the guy's girlfriend opens a box of panties on Christmas morning and reads the following hand-written note...
"I chose these because I notice you never wear any when we go out. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen longer ones with buttons. But she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the saleslady showed me a pair she'd been wearing for three weeks and they were barely soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to help put them on you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away. They will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Will you wear them for me New Years Eve?
"P.S... The saleslady says the latest style is to wear them folded down, with a little fur showing."
She fled town on Boxing Day.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Primate news
Are there actually humans desperate to drop $20 on King Kong? The mega-monkey's opening day box office take is judged to be--uhm--disappointing.
I pray this is an omen for TV next week.
Can the ratings for Howie Mandell's Deal/No Deal be less than a dozen?
I pray this is an omen for TV next week.
Can the ratings for Howie Mandell's Deal/No Deal be less than a dozen?
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Johnny Big Screen
Two days ago, a buddy and I go into an electronics store.
One of us buys a big screen TV.
This is startling, considering both of us are sober.
We solve that, but only after one of us buys the set. It is a long afternoon.
I find a note from buddy in today's morning e-mail.
"So how do you like Giant TV?" he asks. "Have you slept in the last 36 hours?"
I have replied as follows:
"I am Johnny Big Screen, leader of men.
With my half dozen zappers, I control the universe.
Programmers and satellite geeks tremble before my fingertips.
My life has changed.
I walk the streets as TV cowboy, bow-legged.
Where once there was scorn, there is now only envy.
RIDE programs wave me through.
I have lost 11 pounds in little more than a day.
Women have flashed me four times since I was last in your driveway.
I am impervious to bullets and Ontario winds.
My new god? The S-video cable.
In short, life is good.
I would tell you how good, but you would only (a) weep, then (b) beg stores take three or four grand off you, no change required.
Johnny Big Screen is making a list of new friends.
Big Screen Pals worthy of his budship.
With any luck, you may be on it."
One of us buys a big screen TV.
This is startling, considering both of us are sober.
We solve that, but only after one of us buys the set. It is a long afternoon.
I find a note from buddy in today's morning e-mail.
"So how do you like Giant TV?" he asks. "Have you slept in the last 36 hours?"
I have replied as follows:
"I am Johnny Big Screen, leader of men.
With my half dozen zappers, I control the universe.
Programmers and satellite geeks tremble before my fingertips.
My life has changed.
I walk the streets as TV cowboy, bow-legged.
Where once there was scorn, there is now only envy.
RIDE programs wave me through.
I have lost 11 pounds in little more than a day.
Women have flashed me four times since I was last in your driveway.
I am impervious to bullets and Ontario winds.
My new god? The S-video cable.
In short, life is good.
I would tell you how good, but you would only (a) weep, then (b) beg stores take three or four grand off you, no change required.
Johnny Big Screen is making a list of new friends.
Big Screen Pals worthy of his budship.
With any luck, you may be on it."
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Who loves Canada most?
Paul Martin: Is a friend to the evergreen, serves baked tundra at parties. Embraces new Canadians and parachute celebrity candidates. Once placed second in a poutine-eating contest--even as horrified American tourists screamed: "You're eating yellow vomit!"
Stephen Harper: Uses maple syrup rinse on hair, sings O Canada in English, French and several multi-cultural languages not yet identified. Has adopted endangered BC marmot he's named Ben, after his favorite Mulroney. Lived two summers in a chip truck.
Jack Layton: Weeps spontaneously at flag-raisings and northern lights, even traffic lights. Continues to add to a beloved childhood maple leaf collection. Once hugged a socially-disadvantaged beaver so hard he broke its rib.
That's how much they love Canada.
Next issue, please?
Stephen Harper: Uses maple syrup rinse on hair, sings O Canada in English, French and several multi-cultural languages not yet identified. Has adopted endangered BC marmot he's named Ben, after his favorite Mulroney. Lived two summers in a chip truck.
Jack Layton: Weeps spontaneously at flag-raisings and northern lights, even traffic lights. Continues to add to a beloved childhood maple leaf collection. Once hugged a socially-disadvantaged beaver so hard he broke its rib.
That's how much they love Canada.
Next issue, please?
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
As the worms turn...
Prime Minister Dithers, pink and proud as punch, slithers his way back to the office, election writ in hand. Lackies cower in fear, muttering "rhubarb, rhubarb."
"Get out there and work our special interest groups," he commands.
"Beat them hard. Warn what will happen if they choose The Great Satan. The sky will fall. Fear and loathing. Plagues, audits, deportations, tax jiggery-pokery and acne."
In another wing of Canada's Kremlin, The Great Satan considers his own image in a mirror. How best to kickstart approval ratings out of negative digits? He whispers a Daily Affirmation.
"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And by golly, I'm really going to try to make people like me." He jumps into a gay pothole and breaks a leg.
Jack Be Nimble--the third little pig--primps at his desk.
When Olivia joins me, he muses, we will be Ottawa's true power couple. Who will care which heiress dates Peter MacKay then? Note to self: buy matching parkas.
In the Great White Darkness, 30 million sheep stir uneasily in their sleep. They poke their dear little tails higher into the chilly night air, as is their habit.
"Ride us," they beg. "Ride us hard."
"Get out there and work our special interest groups," he commands.
"Beat them hard. Warn what will happen if they choose The Great Satan. The sky will fall. Fear and loathing. Plagues, audits, deportations, tax jiggery-pokery and acne."
In another wing of Canada's Kremlin, The Great Satan considers his own image in a mirror. How best to kickstart approval ratings out of negative digits? He whispers a Daily Affirmation.
"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And by golly, I'm really going to try to make people like me." He jumps into a gay pothole and breaks a leg.
Jack Be Nimble--the third little pig--primps at his desk.
When Olivia joins me, he muses, we will be Ottawa's true power couple. Who will care which heiress dates Peter MacKay then? Note to self: buy matching parkas.
In the Great White Darkness, 30 million sheep stir uneasily in their sleep. They poke their dear little tails higher into the chilly night air, as is their habit.
"Ride us," they beg. "Ride us hard."
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Jarhead vs. Bell phone punks
So I drive to Kingston for a few days, mostly to see Jarhead.
I mean, why stay in the woods? Two hours from Ottawa, but this is the Third World.
Since the second "windstorm" a week ago, Bell Canada can't keep the phone on.
It hums, it whistles, it plays endless loop tapes of motherly voices urging me to "Please try your call again." In two official languages.
A Bell guy showed Saturday but his ladder "couldn't reach the phone line. I'll need a bucket truck."
His promised return today? Didn't happen.
No web. And I'm tired of screaming over line noise and cross-talk.
Every time Hydro One burps, which happens about three times a day, the auto-zap on the pump goes off. It has to be manually re-set.
So anyway, by the weekend enough was enough.
Off to Kingston, my new favourite smaller Ontario city.
They've kept a good hunk of their waterfront. You can take your bike over to Wolfe Island and ride for miles. They're on the first-run movie circuit, with decent bars, live music. And the draft Guinness is always perfect at the Tir Nan Og.
I admit I liked Anthony Swofford's Gulf War book way too much. But don't let the mixed reviews for Jarhead--the movie--keep you away. Two of the most affecting sequences in the book are beautifully realized in the flick. Yes, the horse is one of them.
I notice guy reviewers all give Jarhead high marks. (Pete Howell gave it 4 in the Star). Women reviewers don't. The National Post harridan should try something harder than spritzers. Or be reassigned to the Harry Potter beat.
Anyway, if you're looking for something ballsy, funny, profane, awful, profound and deeply moving--often all at the same time--you could do far, far worse.
See it on a big screen for the desert sequences. This will not be the same experience on your poster-sized DVD screen.
Jarhead is a hell of a better use of two hours of your time than calling Bell Repair.
Where's a sniper when you need one?
I mean, why stay in the woods? Two hours from Ottawa, but this is the Third World.
Since the second "windstorm" a week ago, Bell Canada can't keep the phone on.
It hums, it whistles, it plays endless loop tapes of motherly voices urging me to "Please try your call again." In two official languages.
A Bell guy showed Saturday but his ladder "couldn't reach the phone line. I'll need a bucket truck."
His promised return today? Didn't happen.
No web. And I'm tired of screaming over line noise and cross-talk.
Every time Hydro One burps, which happens about three times a day, the auto-zap on the pump goes off. It has to be manually re-set.
So anyway, by the weekend enough was enough.
Off to Kingston, my new favourite smaller Ontario city.
They've kept a good hunk of their waterfront. You can take your bike over to Wolfe Island and ride for miles. They're on the first-run movie circuit, with decent bars, live music. And the draft Guinness is always perfect at the Tir Nan Og.
I admit I liked Anthony Swofford's Gulf War book way too much. But don't let the mixed reviews for Jarhead--the movie--keep you away. Two of the most affecting sequences in the book are beautifully realized in the flick. Yes, the horse is one of them.
I notice guy reviewers all give Jarhead high marks. (Pete Howell gave it 4 in the Star). Women reviewers don't. The National Post harridan should try something harder than spritzers. Or be reassigned to the Harry Potter beat.
Anyway, if you're looking for something ballsy, funny, profane, awful, profound and deeply moving--often all at the same time--you could do far, far worse.
See it on a big screen for the desert sequences. This will not be the same experience on your poster-sized DVD screen.
Jarhead is a hell of a better use of two hours of your time than calling Bell Repair.
Where's a sniper when you need one?
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Good grief!
So a buddy of mine has a very peculiar problem.
The company he worked at for years terminated him this summer.
But every two weeks, as regular as clockwork, his paycheck arrives in the mail. That's right: every 14 days, they send him a check. Just as if he was still in the plant. Doin' his job. But he ain't. They know that.
"How much money are we talkin' about?" I ask.
"Would you believe 10 grand so far?" he laffs.
He puts each newly-issued payroll cheque in a desk drawer.
"I want to see how long it takes them to discover they've screwed up," he claims. "They'll go bananas! Heads will roll!"
"Is it a computer sending you payroll cheques?"
"No!" he sez. "Each cheque has been hand-prepared. Each one has TWO original signatures of company pay execs! It's totally nuts!"
"Cash them all!" I urge. "Let them try to get the money back!"
He just laughs.
"I always figured the execs never knew what I did when I was there," he sez. "It's no surprise nobody's noticed I'm gone. But, duh! What does that say about me, Dunf? I'm kinda insulted. Still, it's such a hoot. I can't wait to see how it turns out."
"You could call your old company," I laugh. "Beg them to stop."
"To hell with that," sez bud. "I don't work there any more. Why is that my responsibility? To solve their screw-ups? Beg them to stop sending me money? Who fired who? Let it ride, baby! Let it build til it blows!"
So if you were my buddy, would you...
(a) call the company to helpfully point out they're idiots
(b) cash all the cheques immediately
(c) ask your buddy to put it on his blog and solicit advice?
He's chosen C. What would you do?
The company he worked at for years terminated him this summer.
But every two weeks, as regular as clockwork, his paycheck arrives in the mail. That's right: every 14 days, they send him a check. Just as if he was still in the plant. Doin' his job. But he ain't. They know that.
"How much money are we talkin' about?" I ask.
"Would you believe 10 grand so far?" he laffs.
He puts each newly-issued payroll cheque in a desk drawer.
"I want to see how long it takes them to discover they've screwed up," he claims. "They'll go bananas! Heads will roll!"
"Is it a computer sending you payroll cheques?"
"No!" he sez. "Each cheque has been hand-prepared. Each one has TWO original signatures of company pay execs! It's totally nuts!"
"Cash them all!" I urge. "Let them try to get the money back!"
He just laughs.
"I always figured the execs never knew what I did when I was there," he sez. "It's no surprise nobody's noticed I'm gone. But, duh! What does that say about me, Dunf? I'm kinda insulted. Still, it's such a hoot. I can't wait to see how it turns out."
"You could call your old company," I laugh. "Beg them to stop."
"To hell with that," sez bud. "I don't work there any more. Why is that my responsibility? To solve their screw-ups? Beg them to stop sending me money? Who fired who? Let it ride, baby! Let it build til it blows!"
So if you were my buddy, would you...
(a) call the company to helpfully point out they're idiots
(b) cash all the cheques immediately
(c) ask your buddy to put it on his blog and solicit advice?
He's chosen C. What would you do?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Yo hosers! DirecTv drops XM Radio bomb
Merry Christmas, satellite TV gray market!
Santa came early for an estimated 1 million Canadians with access to the forbidden DirecTv dishes and receivers that grab US TV signals like ESPN and HBO from the sky.
Santa's brought them ... ho ho ho! ... 72 channels of XM Radio!
The music signals went up this morning.
Not content to watch the forbidden U.S. cable, network and premium movie feeds, rebel DirecTv-watchin' Canadians suddenly have access to dozens of channels of uninterrupted pop, urban, classic and Latin music streams from the American satellite radio service.
Bluegrass, country, club, alternative, jocktalk, old gold, even a 24/7 disco feed.
The 72 XM Radio feeds are included in all three DirecTv subscriber packages, from the monthly base $41.99US to the top tier $93.99US premiere programs buffet.
So much for which Canuck applicant gets on the air first or how much CanCon the CRTC demands of each homegrown satellite radio service? Kind of irrelevant, hosers.
Just as the CRTC dithered away years before licensing Expressvu and Star Choice while DirecTv established a substantial foothold in Canada, the agency's absurd tap-dancing demands for three satellite radio wannabees has allowed history to repeat itself.
XM Radio (US Edition) arrived today in a million Canada homes with the push of a button ... at the DirecTV control bunker in Castle Rock, Colorado. DirecTv claims a U.S. subscriber base of 13 million households.
Can even Howard Stern help rival Sirius play catch-up? Ha! Get a grip.
Complete XM/DirecTV lineup at
http://www.directv.com/DTVAPP/see/MusicChoice_chandescriptions.jsp
Santa came early for an estimated 1 million Canadians with access to the forbidden DirecTv dishes and receivers that grab US TV signals like ESPN and HBO from the sky.
Santa's brought them ... ho ho ho! ... 72 channels of XM Radio!
The music signals went up this morning.
Not content to watch the forbidden U.S. cable, network and premium movie feeds, rebel DirecTv-watchin' Canadians suddenly have access to dozens of channels of uninterrupted pop, urban, classic and Latin music streams from the American satellite radio service.
Bluegrass, country, club, alternative, jocktalk, old gold, even a 24/7 disco feed.
The 72 XM Radio feeds are included in all three DirecTv subscriber packages, from the monthly base $41.99US to the top tier $93.99US premiere programs buffet.
So much for which Canuck applicant gets on the air first or how much CanCon the CRTC demands of each homegrown satellite radio service? Kind of irrelevant, hosers.
Just as the CRTC dithered away years before licensing Expressvu and Star Choice while DirecTv established a substantial foothold in Canada, the agency's absurd tap-dancing demands for three satellite radio wannabees has allowed history to repeat itself.
XM Radio (US Edition) arrived today in a million Canada homes with the push of a button ... at the DirecTV control bunker in Castle Rock, Colorado. DirecTv claims a U.S. subscriber base of 13 million households.
Can even Howard Stern help rival Sirius play catch-up? Ha! Get a grip.
Complete XM/DirecTV lineup at
http://www.directv.com/DTVAPP/see/MusicChoice_chandescriptions.jsp
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Dazzling Olympics Gear
Have you seen the spiffy new uniforms The Hudson's Bay Co. has unveiled for Canada's 2006 Olympic athletes?
The Bay won the gear contract away from Roots, designers of trendy gear national teams sported in the recent past.
It's back to basics, and not a moment too soon. Goofy elf hats with earflaps complete HBC's winter ensemble, sure to draw admiring glances at Whistler/Blackcomb a year from now.
Gumboots rock!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Brokeback Mountain toonz
I count the number of music reviews I've put on amazon.com on one hand. But one went up the other day that might be of interest. At the moment, all seven reviewers of the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack album rate it at five stars (highest) ...
***** Heart, heat and a fine ride, November 7, 2005
Reviewer: Gary Dunford (Ontario Canada) - See all my reviews
I am one of those who cringed, learning Brokeback Mountain--Annie Proulx's stark and understated, lean and searing 30 page short story--was being exploded into a movie. The soundtrack arrived this afternoon and I'm feeling a lot better.
Gustavo Santaolalla's original score is easily the equal of his work for The Motorcycle Diaries. The vocal choices included range from clever to inspired. A Variety review this morning claims there wasn't a dry eye in the house at Telluride.
Listening to the tunes and underscoring, a great deal of imagination, art and craft are in evidence. It definitely pulls from the same place within mined by writer Proulx. There will be plenty of people who will refuse to see the movie, largely because of the manufactured promotional controversy over the next month that it is about gay cowboys.
Read Proulx's short story--the last offered in Close Range, now in paperback. It is about heart, heat and lost opportunity. You only have to be human to be touched by that. I look forward to the film's opening Dec. 9. Until then, this aching, funny and wryly sentimental soundtrack touches every correct chord.
It's a keeper.
***** Heart, heat and a fine ride, November 7, 2005
Reviewer: Gary Dunford (Ontario Canada) - See all my reviews
I am one of those who cringed, learning Brokeback Mountain--Annie Proulx's stark and understated, lean and searing 30 page short story--was being exploded into a movie. The soundtrack arrived this afternoon and I'm feeling a lot better.
Gustavo Santaolalla's original score is easily the equal of his work for The Motorcycle Diaries. The vocal choices included range from clever to inspired. A Variety review this morning claims there wasn't a dry eye in the house at Telluride.
Listening to the tunes and underscoring, a great deal of imagination, art and craft are in evidence. It definitely pulls from the same place within mined by writer Proulx. There will be plenty of people who will refuse to see the movie, largely because of the manufactured promotional controversy over the next month that it is about gay cowboys.
Read Proulx's short story--the last offered in Close Range, now in paperback. It is about heart, heat and lost opportunity. You only have to be human to be touched by that. I look forward to the film's opening Dec. 9. Until then, this aching, funny and wryly sentimental soundtrack touches every correct chord.
It's a keeper.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Carry me back to old Shawinigan
Unidentified lawyer carries large box of previously unexamined Sponsorship Scandal documents from Gomery Commission back to Shawinigan, Quebec
Spill yer guts
Several readers have complained there isn't enough confession here.
Blogs apparently are supposed to be endless grocery lists of what you ate last night (wax beans and salmon), what your emotional temperature is at the moment (better than you'd expect) and especially who you can't stand and why. (Uh. Gee. Can I get back to you on that?) The firewood is in the garage. Does that interest you? I don't have a new dog... yet. The power was out in the big windstorm Sunday night.
To tell the truth, I was in a confessional mood back in July, preparing the last Sun column. I had a good last graph for that column: it began, "Did I ever mention.... " But if I dropped some blockbuster, might they not make me write it another year? This seemed like a bad idea. And it seems more like cat droppings in retrospect.
I will try to be more confessional in the future.
Blogs apparently are supposed to be endless grocery lists of what you ate last night (wax beans and salmon), what your emotional temperature is at the moment (better than you'd expect) and especially who you can't stand and why. (Uh. Gee. Can I get back to you on that?) The firewood is in the garage. Does that interest you? I don't have a new dog... yet. The power was out in the big windstorm Sunday night.
To tell the truth, I was in a confessional mood back in July, preparing the last Sun column. I had a good last graph for that column: it began, "Did I ever mention.... " But if I dropped some blockbuster, might they not make me write it another year? This seemed like a bad idea. And it seems more like cat droppings in retrospect.
I will try to be more confessional in the future.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Gomery for Dummies
A brief summary of Justice John Gomery's investigation into the Liberal Sponsorship Scandal...
1. Bad people did bad things.
2. Friends of the government of the day were rewarded.
3. There was no interest, then or now, in exercising any particular caution or control over the partisan squandering of Canadian taxpayers' money.
4. There is no "direct evidence" that any senior hand--say leaders with 30 years political experience or more--left a clear and incriminating clue as to what was done or un-done.
5. The government is pursuing the recovery of $57 million dollars from ad agencies and party hacks involved.
6. The Liberal party proposes to reimburse the national treasury about $570,000--one per cent of the claimed kickback kitty in question.
7. This cash will come from taxpayers who supported the Liberal party with campaign donations and handed with great pride and ceremony to taxpayers who did and didn't.
8. Karl Rove is not involved.
All sheep can now go back to sleep.
1. Bad people did bad things.
2. Friends of the government of the day were rewarded.
3. There was no interest, then or now, in exercising any particular caution or control over the partisan squandering of Canadian taxpayers' money.
4. There is no "direct evidence" that any senior hand--say leaders with 30 years political experience or more--left a clear and incriminating clue as to what was done or un-done.
5. The government is pursuing the recovery of $57 million dollars from ad agencies and party hacks involved.
6. The Liberal party proposes to reimburse the national treasury about $570,000--one per cent of the claimed kickback kitty in question.
7. This cash will come from taxpayers who supported the Liberal party with campaign donations and handed with great pride and ceremony to taxpayers who did and didn't.
8. Karl Rove is not involved.
All sheep can now go back to sleep.
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